I'm not exactly bouncing and singing as I usually do, in my inimitable obbynoxious manner.
But slowly, as things will do, things get better. At least I don't feel like I'm scrambling around on the ground gathering my intestines. Just terribly, terribly sad and kind of empty.
Spent Friday night with Miss Midwesterly, who brought a bottle of Maker's and lots of sympathy. She stayed over and gave me lots of TLC and held my hand while I cried. She pointed out, kindly, that my situation is not, alas, unique. Well, I beg to differ, slightly. It's unique to ME.
Then on Sunday, a meeting.
When someone reaches out to me, sincerely and nicely, and says, "You know, what I did was shitty and wrong and I've been feeling awful about it for days, and I'm so sorry I did it, will you please have a cup of coffee with me?" that touches me.
I am not very tough when it comes to stuff like this.
So we had that cup of coffee, and I had to steel myself on the subway and on the walk up Bedford Avenue, so I could be strong and tough. I was able to do this by wearing very tall shoes and by yanking my shoulders back and by refusing at first to look in his eyes. I thought if I looked directly at him I would simply start crying. Do you know how hard it is to be strong and tough when the other person is looking at you sincerely and nicely and sadly, too?
I only cried a little bit.
We are still friends, but we are still over, and that, unfortunately, is never going to change.
We made a terrible mistake, he and I. He thought he was wired differently, and I thought I was wired differently, and ultimately it was one big Con-Ed power-plant meltdown.
Confession I made to a friend today: If he came back in a year and said, "I made a terrible mistake, can I get a do-over?" I believe I would fall into his arms crying, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
But oh, well.
Silver Lining #1: I am now wearing things from my wardrobe that were only aspirational a month ago.
Silver Lining #2: My long red mermaid hair arrived today.
4 comments:
He thought he was wired differently than he is, and he learned that from you?
Did he end his marriage before discovering that? I suspect not. Only the dumb guys pull shit like that.
best post in a long time. good on ya.
Sounds like you have it as together as anyone could right now. No one is tough enough for this.
Well, I'm moving into in the cold, forensic, clinical stage of this. The CSI unit has moved in, and the blood spatter and DNA will tell the story.
And you know what? People make mistakes. Some big, some not so big. Unfortunately, this wasn't a "Miss, you forgot your change" mistake.
Oh, well.
Post a Comment