Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Writer Needed, Literacy Optional
I came across this ad on Craigslist today. I think this is proof that kids are just more stupid than they used to be. Yeah, I said it. College graduates today are a bunch of illiterate morons.
Here's a perfect example of "shoulda been held back in the eighth grade, or at least sent to summer school, to polish her basic writing and grammar skills, but god forbid we damage Johna's self-esteem, let's pass her and set her free to inflict communications like this into the world."
"We are a very professional indie production company (The Micles Prod TMP) We specialize in Short Films and incredible visualy Music Videos, all done in HI-Def and Hi-End Digital Tecnology or in Film.
We are majorly searching for interns from NYU or NYU Film Accademy, at the end of the work we provide proofs that in some cases are considerate credits in university exchanges.
We need very smart and very fast people non competitive, with some experience. The qualifications now
opening are for: SCREENWRITER.At the moment we are prep for a indie version of the "Hamlet" of Shakespeare, so if you know the subject it will be much better. The most important requirement is that you have to own a cell phone and we want that number, people without cell please don't apply, e-mail is secondary. Thanks contact Johna."
Here's a perfect example of "shoulda been held back in the eighth grade, or at least sent to summer school, to polish her basic writing and grammar skills, but god forbid we damage Johna's self-esteem, let's pass her and set her free to inflict communications like this into the world."
"We are a very professional indie production company (The Micles Prod TMP) We specialize in Short Films and incredible visualy Music Videos, all done in HI-Def and Hi-End Digital Tecnology or in Film.
We are majorly searching for interns from NYU or NYU Film Accademy, at the end of the work we provide proofs that in some cases are considerate credits in university exchanges.
We need very smart and very fast people non competitive, with some experience. The qualifications now
opening are for: SCREENWRITER.At the moment we are prep for a indie version of the "Hamlet" of Shakespeare, so if you know the subject it will be much better. The most important requirement is that you have to own a cell phone and we want that number, people without cell please don't apply, e-mail is secondary. Thanks contact Johna."
Monday, April 23, 2007
It's Kinda Like Dollywood for Smart People
"Dickens World, located in Chatham Maritime, Kent is a stunning NEW £62 million indoor themed attraction based on the life, books and times of Charles Dickens. The attraction is now entering an exciting phase as we move towards opening."
I want to go and see if they've got "Miss Havisham's House of Horrors."
I want to go and see if they've got "Miss Havisham's House of Horrors."
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Jesus Jumping Christ
Godalfuckingmighty.
I was waiting for the pro-gun and anti-gun lobbies to start weighing in, and sure enough, they started issuing statements a couple of hours after the murders in Virginia.
Without going into how the Pro-Crime lobby willfully misreads the 2nd Amendment, I want to go on record as agreeing with the General. General Wesley Clark, that is, who said, if you want to play with guns, there's a place for you and it's called the US Army. (I'd add Law enforcement to that).
Daily News editorializes against guns here.
I was waiting for the pro-gun and anti-gun lobbies to start weighing in, and sure enough, they started issuing statements a couple of hours after the murders in Virginia.
Without going into how the Pro-Crime lobby willfully misreads the 2nd Amendment, I want to go on record as agreeing with the General. General Wesley Clark, that is, who said, if you want to play with guns, there's a place for you and it's called the US Army. (I'd add Law enforcement to that).
Daily News editorializes against guns here.
Monday, April 16, 2007
More on Vonnegut
What a great essay
Kurt will be sorely missed. The pissed off patriots are starting to die off... Will Gore Vidal be next?
Kurt will be sorely missed. The pissed off patriots are starting to die off... Will Gore Vidal be next?
The Most Annoying Songs of All Time (????)
Perusing WNBC this morning (and who can say that without hearing Howard Stern saying, "Doubleyou ENNN bee cee"?), I gathered that despite our 8.5" of rain in less than 24 hours, it is a slow news day, for I saw this link, and yes, I just had to go there.
For the record, here's my take on the 22 songs selected:
1. "It's a Small World." It's perpetrated by The Rat. But I'm generally neutral to this, and both times I was at Disneyworld I avoided this attraction. My tastes run more toward the loud and fast and scream-inducing.
2. "I Love You, You Love Me." Not a parent, so never had to suffer through this one.
3. "Mr Roboto." HEY. I love this song. I own this -- in vinyl AND cd. Though I admit I can only listen to it once a year or so.
4. "The Meow Mix Jingle." "now you know that the cat's meow means meow mix, meow mix, meow mix, meow mix, meow meow meow." Irritating as hell, but catchy, innit? And does anyone but me remember the Cat Chow commercial, "I love I love I love my calendar cat...January, chow ch-chow chow chow..." with the cats doing the little back and forth steps? God, I'm old. (PS I remember the Chuck Wagon commmercials, too)
5. "Who Let the Dogs Out." Um. Not a Mets fan, and I think the last time I heard this song was during the Subway Series of 2000.
6. "Achy Breaky Heart." Does Billy Ray still have that mullet? For that matter, does Jaromir Jagr?
7. "The Chicken Dance." I'm from Pittsburgh, we do the Alley Cat at weddings (which in my day were held at VFWs and Firehalls)
8. "Copacabana." Come on. There are so many better Manilow songs. I'm a sucker for Barry.
9. "Macarena." Manufactured dance crazes have never been my thing. Don't know how to do it. Can't Electric Slide, either.
10. "Theme from Scooby Doo." No feelings either way about this one.
11. "YMCA." I AM a Yanks fan, however, so when the 7th inning stretch comes around and the groundskeepers come out and to their VP thing, I do enjoy it. When I was 13, I OWNED the Village People's first album. Also their 2nd and 3rd albums. Did I mention I'm an enormous fag hag from way, way back?
12. "Hot in Here" sooooooo not my generation. Again, GOD I'm old.
13. "Mambo #5." My last memory of this song was dancing drunkenly on top of a speaker at The Roxy. Right. Fag Hag.
14. "Theme from I Dream of Jeannie" No feelings either way about this one.
15. "Muskrat Love." Okay, now we're talking... yes, this should actually be NUMBER ONE on the list.
16. "MMMMM Bop." They were such cute little boys, I could never hold this song against them.
So sue me.
17. "Play That Funky Music." Again, I'm from Pittsburgh, they're a hometown band, I have to remain loyal. Frankly, I'm surprised some hack rapper hasn't poached that lead guitar line yet.
18. "Wannabe" No argument here, I always hated the Skank Girls.
19. "Theme from Good Times." Shit, I can't even remember this song.
20. "Thank God I'm a Country Boy." As far as John Denver songs go, yes this is annoying. But remember, I'm a dork who LOVES John Denver. I cried when he died. Don't hold that against me. I cried when Stevie Ray Vaughn died, too.
21. "It's a Sunshine Day." Once a year, it's okay. And though I have no recollection of ever seeing the episode with the song, somehow through some sort of pop culture osmosis, I know all the words.
22. "Jump." The Kriss Kross version. I have a soft spot for this song, since a very very good friend of mine directed the video.
As the greatest treatise on bad songs ever, I would recommend you go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy of Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs. You don't necessarily have to actually buy it, since it's a short and easy read, though the bookstore may ask you to pay to clean up the carpet after you wet yourself in the aisle.
For the record, here's my take on the 22 songs selected:
1. "It's a Small World." It's perpetrated by The Rat. But I'm generally neutral to this, and both times I was at Disneyworld I avoided this attraction. My tastes run more toward the loud and fast and scream-inducing.
2. "I Love You, You Love Me." Not a parent, so never had to suffer through this one.
3. "Mr Roboto." HEY. I love this song. I own this -- in vinyl AND cd. Though I admit I can only listen to it once a year or so.
4. "The Meow Mix Jingle." "now you know that the cat's meow means meow mix, meow mix, meow mix, meow mix, meow meow meow." Irritating as hell, but catchy, innit? And does anyone but me remember the Cat Chow commercial, "I love I love I love my calendar cat...January, chow ch-chow chow chow..." with the cats doing the little back and forth steps? God, I'm old. (PS I remember the Chuck Wagon commmercials, too)
5. "Who Let the Dogs Out." Um. Not a Mets fan, and I think the last time I heard this song was during the Subway Series of 2000.
6. "Achy Breaky Heart." Does Billy Ray still have that mullet? For that matter, does Jaromir Jagr?
7. "The Chicken Dance." I'm from Pittsburgh, we do the Alley Cat at weddings (which in my day were held at VFWs and Firehalls)
8. "Copacabana." Come on. There are so many better Manilow songs. I'm a sucker for Barry.
9. "Macarena." Manufactured dance crazes have never been my thing. Don't know how to do it. Can't Electric Slide, either.
10. "Theme from Scooby Doo." No feelings either way about this one.
11. "YMCA." I AM a Yanks fan, however, so when the 7th inning stretch comes around and the groundskeepers come out and to their VP thing, I do enjoy it. When I was 13, I OWNED the Village People's first album. Also their 2nd and 3rd albums. Did I mention I'm an enormous fag hag from way, way back?
12. "Hot in Here" sooooooo not my generation. Again, GOD I'm old.
13. "Mambo #5." My last memory of this song was dancing drunkenly on top of a speaker at The Roxy. Right. Fag Hag.
14. "Theme from I Dream of Jeannie" No feelings either way about this one.
15. "Muskrat Love." Okay, now we're talking... yes, this should actually be NUMBER ONE on the list.
16. "MMMMM Bop." They were such cute little boys, I could never hold this song against them.
So sue me.
17. "Play That Funky Music." Again, I'm from Pittsburgh, they're a hometown band, I have to remain loyal. Frankly, I'm surprised some hack rapper hasn't poached that lead guitar line yet.
18. "Wannabe" No argument here, I always hated the Skank Girls.
19. "Theme from Good Times." Shit, I can't even remember this song.
20. "Thank God I'm a Country Boy." As far as John Denver songs go, yes this is annoying. But remember, I'm a dork who LOVES John Denver. I cried when he died. Don't hold that against me. I cried when Stevie Ray Vaughn died, too.
21. "It's a Sunshine Day." Once a year, it's okay. And though I have no recollection of ever seeing the episode with the song, somehow through some sort of pop culture osmosis, I know all the words.
22. "Jump." The Kriss Kross version. I have a soft spot for this song, since a very very good friend of mine directed the video.
As the greatest treatise on bad songs ever, I would recommend you go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy of Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs. You don't necessarily have to actually buy it, since it's a short and easy read, though the bookstore may ask you to pay to clean up the carpet after you wet yourself in the aisle.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Two Cents on Don Imus
They aren't my two cents. They're Joe Conason's two cents. But I happen to agree with him -- it's about the networks doing something on the side of basic decency.
Sometimes You Just Need to be Cheered Up
Or as we say in da 'burgh, "Sometimes you just need cheered up." It's a Western Pennsylvania thing, that dropping of the verb "to be." You'll always be able to tell who we are by the way we say things, like...
"My shirt needs arned."
"My car needs warshed."
"My house is a mess, I gotta go home and redd up."
"Hey, I lost my barrette, you got a gumband I can use to pull my hair back?"
"I can't stand my boss, he's a total jagoff."
"Yinz guys think the Stillwers are gonna make the playoffs this year? Nah, dem guys ain't the same since Cahr retarhed."
My mother, not being a native, did a pretty good job of eradicating the accent in most of us, though my sisters and brothers who stayed still let an occasional "dahntahn" slip into their speech. I still find myself using the colloquialisms occasionally, much to the befuddlement to my friends from New York. A friend of mine, a card-carrying Brooklyn goombah (would that make him a Friend of Ours?), heard me describe someone as a "jagoff," and said it had more impact than just your garden variety "jerkoff." Try it, you'll see!
Unfortunately, guys here just don't get the reference when I tell them, "Kennywood's open!" and will happily stroll away with their fly open. They can't say I didn't try to let them know, even if it was in a different language.
But I have totally digressed from my original cheering up post. I've been feeling glum this week - unemployable and just spent from a flurry of job interviews. I now know what a Broadway performer feels like - you go out every single day and do the same thing and every time, you've gotta be on. So I took this week off to recharge the mental and emotional batteries. I haven't done one productive job-searchy thing, and it feels okay. Who knew that looking for a job was harder work than having a job? Sheesh. Why don't these people just recognize the wonder that is me and hire me?
So, sometimes you flip through channels and come upon something that you can't pass up, and it has the effect of cheering you up -- a lot. This week it was puppies. Yes, puppies. I mean, how can you not be cheered up by puppies? Yes, I know, I'm a cat person, but puppies are just more fun to watch on television. So I'm a dork, sue me.
In other news, my Special Naked Friend spent some time in the hospital -- apparently had a DVT incident, resulting in a pulmonary embolism, coulda died, blah, blah, blah. And do you know that when he got back to work this week, the idiot wanted to know when we could start messing around again!!! Hellooooo??? Since I wish to avoid any unplanned or unexplainable visits to a Brooklyn emergency room, I suggested he make sure all his parts work okay and try out the equipment on the wife for a few weeks before crossing two waters for more dirty playtime. When he gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, his wife, or both, he can come back to the burg of William. Sheesh.
This week, my vote for hottest TV moment comes courtesy of Tyra Banks and Terrence Howard. I think you have to see it to understand it -- it was like watching foreplay. And in case you were wondering, this was just a cheap ploy to mention Terrence Howard. Who, as far as I'm concerned, can fore my play any day of the week. He's the hottest cross-eyed guy on the planet.
I think this weekend will require a Vonnegut binge. Though I loaned my copy of "Breakfast of Champions" to the East Village Guy last year and never got it back. Damn. Speaking of the EVG -- I ran into him while I was out with Racer X last week, and since his girlfriend dumped him, he looks just terrible, and is back to skanking around the East Village. I mean, Skanking, with a capital "Skank." The pink-haired cokehead bartender he's shtupping looks like she could use a round of penicillin. Funny, he got less attractive when he lost the "good" girlfriend. Men, take note.
Which brings me to the question that Racer X and I were pondering one night over Guinnesses (Guinnii?):
If you could take ONE back (and face it, everyone has at least one who makes them cringe at the memory), who would it be? For me, hands down, it would be THIS GUY.
"My shirt needs arned."
"My car needs warshed."
"My house is a mess, I gotta go home and redd up."
"Hey, I lost my barrette, you got a gumband I can use to pull my hair back?"
"I can't stand my boss, he's a total jagoff."
"Yinz guys think the Stillwers are gonna make the playoffs this year? Nah, dem guys ain't the same since Cahr retarhed."
My mother, not being a native, did a pretty good job of eradicating the accent in most of us, though my sisters and brothers who stayed still let an occasional "dahntahn" slip into their speech. I still find myself using the colloquialisms occasionally, much to the befuddlement to my friends from New York. A friend of mine, a card-carrying Brooklyn goombah (would that make him a Friend of Ours?), heard me describe someone as a "jagoff," and said it had more impact than just your garden variety "jerkoff." Try it, you'll see!
Unfortunately, guys here just don't get the reference when I tell them, "Kennywood's open!" and will happily stroll away with their fly open. They can't say I didn't try to let them know, even if it was in a different language.
But I have totally digressed from my original cheering up post. I've been feeling glum this week - unemployable and just spent from a flurry of job interviews. I now know what a Broadway performer feels like - you go out every single day and do the same thing and every time, you've gotta be on. So I took this week off to recharge the mental and emotional batteries. I haven't done one productive job-searchy thing, and it feels okay. Who knew that looking for a job was harder work than having a job? Sheesh. Why don't these people just recognize the wonder that is me and hire me?
So, sometimes you flip through channels and come upon something that you can't pass up, and it has the effect of cheering you up -- a lot. This week it was puppies. Yes, puppies. I mean, how can you not be cheered up by puppies? Yes, I know, I'm a cat person, but puppies are just more fun to watch on television. So I'm a dork, sue me.
In other news, my Special Naked Friend spent some time in the hospital -- apparently had a DVT incident, resulting in a pulmonary embolism, coulda died, blah, blah, blah. And do you know that when he got back to work this week, the idiot wanted to know when we could start messing around again!!! Hellooooo??? Since I wish to avoid any unplanned or unexplainable visits to a Brooklyn emergency room, I suggested he make sure all his parts work okay and try out the equipment on the wife for a few weeks before crossing two waters for more dirty playtime. When he gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, his wife, or both, he can come back to the burg of William. Sheesh.
This week, my vote for hottest TV moment comes courtesy of Tyra Banks and Terrence Howard. I think you have to see it to understand it -- it was like watching foreplay. And in case you were wondering, this was just a cheap ploy to mention Terrence Howard. Who, as far as I'm concerned, can fore my play any day of the week. He's the hottest cross-eyed guy on the planet.
I think this weekend will require a Vonnegut binge. Though I loaned my copy of "Breakfast of Champions" to the East Village Guy last year and never got it back. Damn. Speaking of the EVG -- I ran into him while I was out with Racer X last week, and since his girlfriend dumped him, he looks just terrible, and is back to skanking around the East Village. I mean, Skanking, with a capital "Skank." The pink-haired cokehead bartender he's shtupping looks like she could use a round of penicillin. Funny, he got less attractive when he lost the "good" girlfriend. Men, take note.
Which brings me to the question that Racer X and I were pondering one night over Guinnesses (Guinnii?):
If you could take ONE back (and face it, everyone has at least one who makes them cringe at the memory), who would it be? For me, hands down, it would be THIS GUY.