Some Words on Monogamy, Cynicism, Romanticism and Jane's Dirtiest Secret

Excerpt from my blog post dated 10/24/06:

Somehow the conversation gets around to monogamy. And he says, "Well, you don't believe in monogamy." Hmm. I'm not sure about that. I know I believe marriage is a bunch of crap. But monogamy? I'm not sure anymore. The most serious relationship I had (with EmKay) was devoted and faithful and passionate for five years. But -- when I'm not in a relationship, monogamy as a concept doesn't even exist in my life. And for some reason, society expects people who are NOT in monogamous relationships to be celibate.

Isn't that a load of crap? Because I'm not in a relationship with anyone, I am supposed to forego my natural and very healthy urges and shake hands at the door? I don't think so.

But as for monogamy -- that's my little secret. And I think it has been the real reason why I won't get involved with anyone. I talk the cynic... but the cynic hides the most hopeless romantic. Not that I wish some handsome stranger will come along and sweep me off my feet... but secretly, I want to be THAT GIRL again for someone. I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret -- I want to be someone's Sunday-morning girl. I don't want to be the styrofoam peanuts that fills in the empty spaces of someone else's life, I don't want to make it tolerable for someone to go home and sleep next to THE PERSON HE PICKED for another week. I want to be the girl who gets picked.

So that's part of my dirty little secret.

I also realized that all these years, I've talked about EmKay by telling people how lucky I was.

"I'm one of the lucky ones," I said (probably with insufferable smugness), "I've had the Great Love of My Life." If capital letters could be spoken, I was doing it. "A lot of people aren't so lucky -- they end up settling for someone who can just give security and babies." Frankly, I'm surprised that I haven't been slapped, hard, and frequently.

The FLAW in my thinking is this: I believed that you only get ONE. I believed for all these years that I walked up to the buffet, filled my plate, sat down and ate, and that was all I got. I'm sorry, no more shrimp or lobster for you, miss, you've already been through the line once.

Oh, honey. (I just want to call myself honey and pat myself on the knee.)

Oh, honey, didn't you know this is an all you can EAT buffet?