Now That I Think About It, I'm Really, Really, Really Pissed at Myself

Today's forecast: Dark.

I woke up in a rage today, so angry at myself that I am shaking with it. Walking across 59th Street after getting off the subway, I was looking at Park Avenue as if through two pinholes.

And you know what? I've decided to be self-indulgent for once and just go with it. For today, I'm setting aside all the zenny, feelgood, we have to take care of each other bullshit and sitting and observing my own emotions crap, and I'm just gonna sit here and be really, really mad for awhile. In fact, I'm gonna fester in it. I'll drop all these juicy, shitty, awful feelings into a big crock pot, turn it on high, jump right in, and I'm gonna stew in it.

I am feeling so stupid, stupid, stupid, that I have gone beyond stupid and into the realm of anencephalic. Go ahead, shine a flashlight into my eyes. You'll see the glow on the back of my head. I forgot: when your heart is welded to your brain, and you give one away, the other goes with it. DUH. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I stripped naked, dropped pieces of armor, one by one, clanking in my wake, no actually, I stupidly dropped the whole suit at once, and completely forgot the fact that underneath all of that steel I don't have a tough and scaly hide, but fucking baby skin. And I'm pissed about that. It's the stuff I'm supposed to protect, goddammit.

I was a willing ingredient in someone else's science experiment, and when everything reached the point of combustion, I was the one who was vaporized. GOD, I am pissed at myself for allowing that to happen.

Je suis detruit.

The single area of my life where I was in control and I decided to skydive without a fucking parachute. Geronifuckingmo.

This is going to hurt, I said, but I am having so much fun, I said, and I can handle it, I said, and no one gets hurt, least of all me, I said, and I'll make sure you're okay, I said, because I can take care of myself, I said, and don't you worry about me, I said.

Have you ever heard such bullshit in your life? I said.

God FUCKING Dammit.

I'm going off to be mad at myself some more.

I'll see you later.