The next person who asks me, "Soooooo, why is it that you've never been married?" is in for it.
After I've belted him in the face and knocked him out of his chair and he's on the floor searching for his teeth, I will straddle his supine body and scream at the top of my lungs, "It's because I'm not special and I'm basically unlovable, you stupid fucking asshole."
Because what they really want to know is, "What is your defect? Where did your o-ring failure occur?"
I will get this tattooed across my forehead so no one ever has to ask me this fucking stupid question again and so no one is stupid enough to venture within swinging distance in the first place.
Fuck this endless navel-gazing.
I am not just an Edsel. I'm a fucking CORVAIR. I'm a PINTO with a defective gas tank.
I'm taking my not-special and basically unlovable self elsewhere.
20 comments:
That is such a stupid fucking question. Who ASKS this anyway? Old aunties? My father (80 and Alzheimery) is hung up on the word marriage, but even he will back down if challenged. Why marriage, Dad? After a big 20+ year fail? After I see marriages fall one after another ... what's so special? Uh, duh, he can't answer.
Or "well meaning" types? Gosh, you are so WONDERFUL, Aileen ... why has no one snapped you up and shoved a ring on that sexy finger of yours, honey pie, hmm? Gag.
Yeah, marriage is so great. We see clear evidence of that everywhere around us. Just look!
Guys on first dates ask this. Because nothing makes a girl feel sexier than being made to feel like something in the remainder bin at Barnes & Noble.
Best was the guy who asked me on sunday, "Do you regret not having children?" over samosas and raita.
My codeword for this comment is "untush" -- as in "untushable?" Sheesh, even the internet hates me today.
Unlovable my ass. Becoming a wifey is a special hell reserved either for women under 30 whose reproductive circuits have been lit up by some hapless sperm-donor or for "mature" women whose self-esteem has somehow remained locked into the dream of being coupled under legal contract with a (*shudder*) man. I will grant that the question is often asked in the well-meaning way some people have who are just too stupid to know how trapped they are in their thinking, but this needn't excuse them from the punishment you describe (which sounds kind of fun, actually, if we ever meet I might put in a mouthguard and ask just for the hell of it).
Really? First-date question? Yeah, I can see that happening. Idle chit-chat, bring out the big obvious duh. I hope if I ever get stupid enough to ask it (and it's not impossible, the presence of a female has often been bad for certain parts of my brain) the answer I get is along the lines of, "What the hell you ask some shit like that for?"
So what DID you say?
The kids Q might be well meaning but it gets my hackles up, reminds me of the Jesusy stuff, like oh gosh you poor pitiful thing forever deprived of the deepest joys of special unselfish love and banana baby food kisses and forever pursuing your shallow meaningless whatevers but that's OK to each her own Aileen I'm not here to judge you want to see a photo of my darling angels?
I responded (trying to stifle my testiness):
"Some DNA just shouldn't be perpetrated," with a meaningful look.
Shut him right up. I'm getting quicker in my old age.
"Soooooo, why is it that you've never been married?"
By choice!
Consider yourself lucky. You are! I have been with my man for 11 years now and still have no need for tradition. NONE of my kids are married or knocked-up, which equals a big win in my book.
Ya'll've covered this quite well, so I'm not adding a single 'nother word.
Uh, aside from these here words, that is.
oh honey you are no goddamn pinto...you are a fucking ferrari...
i'm still crawling out from the wreckage of a 23 year marriage...been divorced 3 years and it is worse now than ever...you have no idea how lucky you are...really...
Oh, I don't know, once you get to be a certain age (meaning old enough to be deeply interesting) the marriage question kindof describes the arc of your life--not in a judgemental way, just in terms of the choices you've made, the opportunities that presented themselves, the amount of shit you were/are/will be able/willing/too smart to put up with.
Is it really such a fail to be still single? Is it more of a fail to be married and divorced? Is it a fail to have been divorced three times? Is it a fail to still be married? Think of the missed opportunities! I think of it as a choice. A choice that helps describe you.
So... why is it that you've never been married? Was it something you even wanted? Were the costs too high? The benefits too small? Did you just never seem to be in the right place at the right time to meet the right man? Marriage is a fucking miracle, man, that's why it needs to be consecrated by God, even if God doesn't exist. Because it's improbable. It's unlikely. And because you've got to really want it.
But you know, at this point in my life, there are things I'll never be, and there's an unflattering reason for each of them, but I don't need to let those reasons define me. I'll make up my own.
what all of these fine folks said
entering single life now and I must say being divorced can lend an air of "so what's wrong with you" to it, too, if I choose to let it. my STBX is totally convinced that's what it's stamping on his forehead.
people just say some really fucking stupid things, huh.
my best friend is nearing 50 now and is marriage-free and child-free. she's still quite conflicted about the no children thing, but it's amazing how difficult it is to discuss among even the closest of friends... I just wandered off into another topic... going to bed now.
Perpetuated. I meant to say perpetuated.
Throckey calls marriage a miracle, as if that's a general term to apply to all marriages. So maybe HIS is a miracle -- to him. Bully for you, Throckey! I raise my glass to you that you have found a lifestyle that works for you.
But the general consensus here seems to be the women who got out of their marriages feel like they barely escaped with their lives and their selves intact.
My recent dude came to me fully intending to fuck me, a woman who isn't his wife, then slunk away before the deed was done. (Too bad for him. I'm a fanTAStic lay.)
With that one exception, no married man (or man in a long-term relationship) I've ever wanted to fuck has ever said, "no, thanks, I'm married." Now, my charms are ample, but c'mon folks, it's not like I'm a bacon sandwich in a room full of hungry dogs.They all made the decision to fuck someone who wasn't their wife or girlfriend.
So, my unscientific survey of, well, me, leads me to believe that Chris Rock IS right. The only thing separating the faithful from the unfaithful is opportunity.
And that "consecrated" stuff is a big wad of trite, chewed-up hooey. If it's so consecrated, how come the captain of the Norwegian Dawn can marry anyone outside the 3-mile limit? It's not some sacred holy thing -- it's a legal contract that most men think their dicks are exempt from. Which is no skin off my nose -- I'm not a party to anyone else's marriage contract.
Imo the reason that you'll see all these women going whew barely escaped with my life (from a long-term marriage) is because marriage is a better deal for men, no matter how many men whine that they get taken advantage of financially. Bullshit. It's a better deal for them and always has been -- why else would patriarchal societies keep pushing the damn thing at everyone?
Gekko recently found some study showing that it's even better for a guy's health and longevity (and worse for a woman's) to be married.
Not that there can't be marriages where women are happy and healthy. Of course there are. But it's sure not a given, which is WEIRD since it's such a cultural meme that young women mostly want to get married and push their boyfriends to propose, etc. Parents need to stop and think about knee-jerkedly transmitting this meme to their daughters.
Re your last sentence ... I've never bought into that sisterhood idea that it's every woman's obligation to help every married guy be faithful to his wife. Why? You see this all the time in comments to articles about John Edwards et al, with women blaming the mistress more than the guy who cheated. That's bizarre. The hubby took the vows, not the mistress! Are these married women then going to vote to help single women by giving them tax breaks and stuff? Right!
The way I read Throckey's "miracle" comment -- maybe not as Throck intended it, but how it makes sense to me -- was that the miracle/consecration is that a woman is willing -- in some cases NEEDING -- to put up with a man in a (presumably) lifelong commitment.
I've talked to a lot of guys who have the opinion that men are pigs and women are what give them any hope of having grace.
While I believe that men do let themselves get lead around by their dicks far more than women are lead by their vulvas, I disagree with the "men are pigs" as a rule. My experience with them is that many, many are pigs. Many have managed to rise above their pigdom, though.
And, generally speaking, only SOME of us women are gifts from God with the ability to imbue grace upon the lowly male.
I'm one, obvi.
For some reason, when I comment from my Blackberry, shit's getting posted twice. RIM is just the suckiest of the sucky, frankly.
I will confess that when I wrote this original post, I was, for real, feeling quite not-special and more than overwhelmingly unlovable.
I keep forgetting that I have lots and lots of people who do love me, in obvious and vocal ways, just not in the "I want to put my penis inside you on a fairly regular basis" way. And when I think about it, I DO have that guy, and the best part about it is that I don't have to step over his boxers every day.
The lively discussion that's taken place here has cheered me up considerably, so thanks to everyone who has contributed to it.
I don't want to get married, and if I ever do get into some sort of long-term thing with some man, I certainly don't want some guy who is looking for some woman to elevate him above beasthood. The guy will be responsible for doing that for himself, and anyone who comes to me looking for some goddess to put on a pedestal or for me to drag him squealing like a boar out of the swamp is in for a big, fat disappointment.
I want to be real. All the time.
I am real.
Real, goddammit.
And one last comment, I wish to fucking GOD guys would stop with the "oh she's great because she puts up with my shit," stuff. Stop having the shit, people! Quit being an apologist for your own idiocy because you found a woman willing to put up with it! You know, admitting you're an asshole doesn't make it okay to be an asshole.
Admitting you're an asshole and working to stop being an asshole makes you a man.
But, Aileen, *all* of us are assholes. And ALL of us want someone willing to put up with our shit, don't we? I mean, I see that as what marriage is. Not being mean to each other, but being there no matter what...
...says the divorcing woman...
See, I still believe in marriage. I just believe it's not for everyone and that it should be the exception rather than the rule. Some of you all are made for that shit, and some of us aren't.
Yeah what she said. I'm not ever going to be everything that someone else wants me to be, but I will be but, situationally speaking (cause it's all about "The Situation") I will be everything, or nothing, or more than you could have imagined me being.
But when you are married, you are saying you will be there, chronic gas problems and all.
A wife is so much more than where you put your dick. (I should sell this as a t-shirt slogan, huh?)
Man, you SHOULD make a t-shirt out of that. You'd have to be careful where you sell it, though... probably wouldn't go over so hot in Park Slope. You'd be chased out of Brooklyn by Caitlin Flanagan and Lucinda Rosenfeld wielding torches and pitchforks.
Maybe the up-putting with shit is why I stay single. And I'm not talking about the burping and farting and dirty cups in the sink stuff. I mean the big stuff. Like Anne Lamott, I put myself on a strict shit-free diet a long time ago. Every now and again I slip up, but for the most part I believe "I will not eat shit to make you like me" beams out of my fine brown eyes at every man I meet, and I just can't hide it.
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