In the last few weeks more people have been kinder to me than I've been to myself, which has been maybe the only thing that has carried me this far...the kindness of others, many of them strangers who have never even met me.
That has put paid to my snotty notions that it's impossible to be friends with people you only know online. It's only impossible to be friends with them after you meet them in person. KIDDING (sorry, I can't seem to control the urge to crack jokes, it's just what I doooo.)
So thanks. Thanks for recognizing and acknowledging how much pain I've been in.
I think I'm ready to let go of the suffering now.
My favorite zen teacher says, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
I seem to have forgotten that along the way. I don't know what it is that happened to me today to slap me upside the head one last time (I think).
I think I just got tired of suffering so much.
The Man Who Broke My Heart, broke my heart. It will heal.
Mambo is a very old cat and will die soon. I will be sad. But I will heal.
My mother is very old and riddled with dementia. I will be an orphan soon, and I will be very sad. But I will heal.
Life goes on, eh? In all its shitty, nutkicking, terrible, fantastic, amazing ways, it goes on.
Now I need to try and find out where my equanimity went.
5 comments:
So sorry about your mom. And Mambo.
Glad you are ready to let go of the heartbreak. Sometimes we just know a feeling is done, played out. Click. Maybe a little relapse here or there, but basically over.
My online friends have helped me immensely ... some I have met, some I hope to, some probably I won't get the chance. I used to think it mattered more and it would be nice to have someone/two/three local the same as I do in text (besides relationship guy), but I don't, so that is that.
To healing and moving on.
grieving takes only as long as it takes...
goddammit please take down "not special and basically unlovable" over there on your profile
i don't even know you but i know that shit is not true...
:-) I think I get the "not special and basically unlovable" thing cuz I do it, too.
That is, if it's the same as what I do, when I do it. It might not be.
I mock myself to other people in part to put them at ease, get them a bit more manipulab .. manipulata... easy to manipulate when I need peeps to do stuff. I'm a manager; sue me.
It's also in part to remind myself to tone myself down. I tend to think very highly of myself and if I do that too much, well, the gods will start cursing me or somethin'.
Found your equanimity yet? Look behind the toilet. Damnedest things end up down there.
No room for my equanimity back there. That's where Mambo has been sleeping for the last two days.
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