Forensics III

I'm still gobsmacked at how hard this thing with the MWBMH(tm) has hit me.

I was all "oh, can't we just love each other without all those strings and expectations?" and he was like, "LOOK at the TIME, have I got to GO!"

I miss his emails so, so much, you can't even begin to imagine. I mean, every single thing I did or said charmed the hell out of him, and he told me so, frequently. I got spoiled by it if you want to know the truth.

My mother always warned me not to think too much of myself, and maybe she was right.

But -- I will admit that there's a petty, vengeful Sicilian hiding behind the woodpile of my heart that hopes he's gone back to his life and that his wife has gone back to being unsatisfying and now that their kids are out of the house, he looks at her, and his life, and says to himself, "Holy fucking shit, what did I DO? I could be in Brooklyn right now having those mind-blowing and sometimes incendiary conversations with Aileen, and I chose THIS?" Though I do frequently underestimate the power of denial, so who's to say?

I once asked him if his wife found it strange that he spent hours holed up in his home office (emailing with me), and he told me that was normal in his house, for him to be in his office and for her to be elsewhere in the house, for hours at a time. I can understand that, sometimes, but every single night? Really?

I mean, this was EVERY FLIPPIN' NIGHT, folks. He would literally start emailing me as soon as he got home from work (with an email that said, "I'm home,") take a break to eat dinner, and then come back and email me until it was time for us to go to bed. It was nonstop conversation. EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAMN NIGHT! Oh, and then it would resume at about 7 or so in the morning, with those "good morning" emails I mentioned in a previous post.

Does he look at those hours, when he and his wife are sitting under the same roof ignoring each other and think, "Yeah, you know, this is a what a successful 30-year marriage is supposed to look like? Two people who don't talk to each other for the six or seven hours they are awake and in the same house, yup, that's what I signed up for, and oh BOY, I can't WAIT for the next 20 or 30 years of THIS! This is exactly what I wanted!"

Or who knows, maybe now that last kid is out of the house, he thought, "Let's give this another go and see if things can be different." Good luck to ya, buddy, is what I say. Have at it.

I dunno, maybe what I am is a deeply-closeted idealist who thinks a relationship ought to include conversation and laughing together and sex, interspersed with those alone times to recharge the self, and that if it's ALL alone times, is it really a relationship or are ya just roommates?

Look, when you can't wait for a Family Gathering That Celebrates a Really Important Thing to end and for your wife's family to get the hell out of your house so you can get back to emailing your girlfriend in Brooklyn and telling her you thought of her the whole time they were there, perhaps it's time for a major life assessment.

Shit, for all I know, maybe he did make that assessment and that's what he really wants in the end.

There I go, making up stories again.You see, I will never know, that's why I'm in the making up stories thing. And I know, I know, he's just not that into you, blah blah blah, so can someone explain how a guy goes from being totally 100% into you one day to not? Christ.

I know I once wrote that if he changed his mind I would fall into his arms, but I've thought about what I know about ME (the only person I'm really an expert on) and now I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure I wouldn't be a little handshy and distrustful of someone who brought so much hurt into my life and made me lose faith in my judgement, my instincts, and myself the way I have.