This is actually something that has been on my mind ever since The Affair started.
Once I was ensconced in it, it seemed that everywhere I looked or turned around, everything in the world had something to do with men cheating. Segments on the "Today" show! Articles in magazines! Advice columns on websites! And every single one seemed to have the same underlying theme:
If a man is cheating on his significant other, somehow, someway, it is the "Other Woman's" fault. SHE is the man-stealer. SHE is the sinner. SHE is the mountain lion lying in wait on some tree branch, waiting for that helpless-yet-attached male to trot by so she can leap on his unsuspecting neck, drag him off to her lair, and devour him.
I was IM-ing with a friend the other day, a very close friend, as it happens, to whom I admitted that finally I bagged the Big Guy on Saturday (more on that story later). I wasn't the she-lion in this situation. I was, in fact, the pursued. And while I didn't exactly resist, I did delay for a couple of weeks. I asked him to not tell his significant other about it, because as cool as she is, I know that she will NOT be cool about this. And my pal, whom I shall call "Z" here, told me that she feels strongly about "women lying in wait to steal other women's men."
Then, there was also the conversation, held with "Z" and Big Guy about how "you chicks don't look out for each other, you're ruthless and you'll go after a married guy without thinking twice about it."
Then, there was another conversation I had with "Z," who when I told him I had initially resisted Big Guy's advances, congratulated me with this phrase: "You saved him from himself."
Okay. Now. All of this tells me that society is ready to excuse the man, the one who is supposedly IN the committed relationship, under the guise of, "Well, everyone knows men are weak and stupid. It's a WOMAN'S job to rescue them from their baser, animal natures."
Well, I have one thing to say to that.
Bullshit.
A guy who sets out to cheat on his significant other, whether she's a girlfriend or a wife, is making that decision without the help of some femme fatale. Absolving them of responsibility from their actions because some female tempted him is a specious argument at best.
As a society, we are completely conditioned to believe this is true! That it is The Other Woman's fault! We have internalized this as part of our societal belief system so thoroughly that in an affair, if it is discovered by the significant other or someone else, everything is completely turned on the Other Woman.
It is not my responsibility to burnish the conscience or behavior of any man. I'm sweeping on my own side of the street, I enter into any relationship believing and trusting that the other person has made peace with their own conscience and karma.
And you know what? That old business of, men are being dragged through life by their dicks -- I don't buy it. That's just their lame excuse for bad behavior. And remember, I am a woman who loves men. My best friends on this planet are men.
I don't know. Maybe I'm a little cold-blooded about this, but damn. I've got enough work getting good with my own self, I can't take on responsibility for anyone else.
I entered into the relationship with F with my eyes open and rationally. I didn't have, and still do not have, any guilt about doing it. Believe me, i keep waiting for the guilt to come a-knockin' but it hasn't. Nor regret. (Guilt and regret are just kissin' cousins, aren't they?)
I just had to get that off my chest.
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