Waking up a 5:00 this morning, I felt miraculously cleansed. I don't know what my subconscious was doing last night while I was asleep, but there were no scary dreams with menacing tall men, and no interruptions from the Barnyard (that would be the 1st floor of my building, you know, where the animals live), or at least none that I'm aware of.
In fact, when I woke up this morning, my brain, my psyche, my conscience, my karma -- they all felt scrubbed. As if I went through some cosmic carwash in my sleep, and not the cheap $10 wash that's just hot water and soap. I got the undercarriage scrub, the hot wax, the buff dry, with a vacuum of the interior to boot! Actually, it's better to call it a karmic colonic.
I haven't reached any decisions about what I will or will not do...but for some reason, I woke up and felt as if I had come back to center somewhere in the night.
The Big Dave frenzy appears to have blown through, like a summer storm. Now, this doesn't mean I don't still find him to be a ravishing man, because I do. But I've sort of stepped back and can look at him with detachment, sort of like looking at a poster of The White Roses instead of seeing the real thing. I can admire him: his sheer immense presence and gorgeousness, the completely compelling sound of his voice (a rumble that burbles out of the side of his mouth), and the utter fascination with which we regarded each other for a couple of weeks. I felt fear and suspicion not because of anything he did but because I was feeling fearful and suspicious of myself and my own patterns of behavior.
Like I said, I don't know what will happen or not happen. Will I sleep with him again? Who the fuck knows? If it happens, it happens.
No comments:
Post a Comment