The Good Thing About Being Me is That I Bounce

Feeling somewhat better today. For me, tumbling into the abyss is okay, because I know that at some point the fall turns into a dive, and there's a trampoline at the bottom.

I bounce. Sometimes the bottom is a little lower than at other times, so the the bounce up takes a little more work, but at no time do I ever lose sight of the light at the top. I turn my face to the light, like a flower to the sun. And know that at some point I'll be crawling out of the hole.

So, I did something unusual for me in my blues. I reached out. I called people. And without going into story with them, basically said, "I'm blue." And it was one of my friends, one of my most at-time difficult friends, the one who sometimes infuriates me to the point of growling, who just opened his heart to me. It wasn't his ears, so much as his heart. I FELT it. And I was able to let all of the ca-ca out, and cry and be sad, and grieve and feel bad, and at the end of it, he said two things to me:

"You are so lucky that you have such access to your emotions and that you feel them so deeply. Think about all the people you know who don't have a clue."

and then,

"I love you, Janey."

You know what, just having someone tell you that they love you, from their open heart, simply, kindly and unconditionally, can suddenly make all the delusion and anger begin to melt away, and with that I began to have clarity.

So I sat with everything. And picked up a book by one of my "teachers." And almost as if it was pre-destined, opened the book to a random page and this is what I read (bold text my emphasis):

"Sometimes we feel that forgiving people who have harmed us is tantamount to condoning their harmful behavior. Therefore, staying angry with them seems the only way to express our continued disapproval of their behavior. However, this isn't the case at all. A person and his behavior are separate. We cannot say that a person is evil even if his behavior or intention is harmful. From a Buddhist perspective. . .each person has some internal goodness that can never be destroyed, no matter how badly he or she may act. Thus, we can forgive and let go of our anger toward the person who harmed us and at the same time maintain that his behavior was injurious and unacceptable and should not be continued in the future.

Forgiving does not mean tolerating damaging behavior or staying in an abusive situation. Nor does it necessitate sharing our forgiveness with the other person if he could misconstrue it and resume his harmful behavior. Motivated by compassion, we can take strong measures to prevent or interrupt harm. Thus, forgiving does not render us a "softy."

Forgiving benefits ourselves as well as others. When we hold onto our anger, we're tense and unhappy, and this affects our relationships and physical health. By forgiving, we let go of our anger and thus cease our own suffering. We also prevent ourselves from assuming the role of the perpetrator, as victims so often do, and thus we stop the cycle of harm.

Of course, we cannot force ourselves to dissolve our anger or to forgive someone. Sometimes we may need to remove ourselves physically from a stress-provoking person or situation to get some mental distance. Then, through practicing the antidotes to anger, we can gradually dissolve it. As we do, the spaciousness, clarity and gentleness of forgiveness will naturally arise in our hearts."

-- Thubten Chodron, "Working With Anger"