I'm Aileen, and I'm Disgusting



My handful of faithful readers knows that I'm a big hockey fan.  I love me some Penguins hockey.  And I have my favorites on the team.

Sid's a fave, of course, and so's Geno, despite the fact that he's a funny-looking dude.  There are, of course, Max Talbot, and Pascal Dupuis (those eyelashes), but I guess, based on how many photos of him I've posted, you could say I'm mostly a fan of Jordan Staal.  I love all the Staal brothers, but mostly Jordan.

So I was poking around in Yahoo Sports, Puck Daddy, and noodling through some stats and photos to increase my Staal-edge, and came upon this image.

I thought it was kind of a cute pic, shirtless hockey player, yummy, haha, until I read somewhere that it was taken on NHL Draft Day in 2006 (this is unconfirmed).

On NHL Draft Day in 2006, Jordan Staal was 17.

I'm Aileen, and I'm disgusting.

"I'm Score" -- Evgeni Malkin Translated From The Russian

(Did you people really think that just because the Penguins got knocked out of the playoffs I was done writing about hockey? Come now. We're in the middle of the Stanley Cup FINALS! Sometimes I feel like you just don't know me at all!)

Puck Daddy has a translation of parts of an Evgeni Malkin interview from Russian TV.

He is eloquent and generous about his teammate Sidney Crosby and has interesting things to say about his countryman Alexander Ovechkin, whom he describes as a "Russian Canadian" because of how quickly he adapted to the more physical brand of Western hockey. Ovie is one of the more, um, enthusiastic and irrepressible players in the NHL, and he has the PIM stats and suspensions to prove it.

It's nice to see Geno translated from his own language and not strangling on his attempts to speak English, even if his English struggles only succeed in making him look totally...ADORABLE.

Kid's gotta lotta class, our Geno does.

Class is something that seems to be in short supply in Philadelphia. But then again, are you surprised? It's Philadelphia.

I'm Ready to Talk About the Heartache

We know how you feel, Jordan. Now come over here and let Mama make you feel better.

No, not that heartache. That one's for me and me alone.

I'm talking about the fact that my Penguins knocked themselves out of contention for another Cup in the 2nd round of the playoffs.

The Pens just didn't look like they were all there from the last handful of regular season games all the way through Rounds 1 and 2. Too many line changes, not enough chemistry between linemates (except when Geurin, Crosby, and Dupuis were matched up), Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar practically disappearing at times (hello? You guys are a couple of the highest-paid players in the League, you make a combined $14 mil a year, show up and EARN it, dammit!), Jordan Staal not getting the support on the wing that he needs and deserves, not to mention a potentially season-ending injury at the skate of PK Subban...I could go on and on, but the list is too depressing.

My friend Ed is a big Rangers fan, constantly frustrated, because in his words, "sometimes they go out and play like they're the best team in the NHL." He could have been talking about the Penguins. In fact, toward the end of the season, when I was scratching my head at the bush-league level of Pens play, he kept telling me not to lose faith. "They can lift their game at will," Ed told me. And occasionally we saw that happen. It just didn't happen often or consistently enough.

After playing over 300 games since the 2008-09 season, plus sending their 5 stars to the Olympics this year, the Penguins just didn't have enough gas left in the tank for a playoff run into the Cup final. Had they made it, it would have been on vapors, prayers, and with the assistance of angels.

Unfortunately, those things were in short supply this season in Pittsburgh, and the Penguins have packed up their lockers at Mellon Arena for the final time, to face a long summer of golf and soul-searching, to see what changes need to be made, and hopefully get enough rest for 2010-11.

Here are my thoroughly inexpert predictions for who we'll see and who we won't next season:

1) Cool your jets. Crosby, Malkin, and Staal are all staying put. They eat up a HUGE chunk of salary cap space, but c'mon, you've got a Richard trophy, a Conn Smythe trophy and a Selke finalist on your first three lines. Do you really think Ray Shero's gonna mess with them?

2) Sergei Gonchar is probably gone. He enters free agency this year, and the Pens really can't afford a $5 million dollar a year, 36-year-old defenseman who doesn't produce like he used to.

3) Bill Guerin -- gone. Billy G has been crucial to the Pens' success these past couple of seasons. But let's face it. He turns 40 in November. The old man has GOT to be plain exhausted. He can't go out and fight ALL the fights. In my fantasy, Bill puts on a tie and gets behind the bench to work on the Penguins' lame-ass Power Play. I know, it's a fantasy, but it's MY fantasy, and I can do whatever I want with it. Plus, I love Guerin in Pittsburgh. Handsome or not handsome (Bill is on that cusp of ugly-gorgeous), he raises the hotness quotient of the team immeasurably.

4) Ponikarovsky was an experiment that failed. Buh-bye.

5) I'm still on the fence about Jordan Leopold.

6) I guess I wasn't paying attention to Mike Rupp throughout the season, but then again, he might be one of those guys who steps up and shines in the playoffs. I mean, his first playoff goal, ever, won the Stanley Cup for the NJ Devils in 2003. So the kid's got something (kid! Hah! Guy's 30, which makes him a kid in my book but practically a senior citizen in the NHL.) Anyway, I loved his play in the playoffs, and for some reason I was really confused and got it in my head he was some kind of defenseman. Maybe it was because he plays without a shield on his helmet, maybe it was his broken-up face, maybe it was all the fights. Surprise! He's a working-class center. Keep him on the 4th line, I like him there.

7) Sigh. Matt Cooke. The player you hate to love. We have our own version of Sean Avery in the city of Three Rivers. Bad reputation but a more-than-competent, quick and agile playmaker. Shit! He was a real contributor to what little success the Pens managed to scrape up in these playoffs.

8) Fleury ain't going nowhere. Flower won the Stanley Cup. Had a so-so season and dismal playoffs, but he won us a Cup. That counts for something. Plus, he's just so purty.

Well, here's where I bid adieu to the Penguins for the season.

And let's hope for a Blackhawks-Canadiens Final. I'd love to see two Original Six teams battling down to the wire. And secretly, even though they destroyed the Washington Capitols and the Pittsburgh Penguins, I'm quietly rooting for the Habs.

They're scrappy.

And you know Jane loves her some scrappy.

The 2009-2010 Detroit Red Wings: Eulogized

Or, not to put too fine a point on it, fuck you, Detroit.

Enjoy your golf, suckers.

The only thing missing from this lineup was Marian Hossa, and he's down in Chicago getting ready to unleash the Curse of Hossa to ensure another team doesn't win a Cup.

On another note, to the Pittsburgh Penguins, I didn't mean you should crumble like a teacake in the rain to Montreal. I mean, it's freakin' Montreal, for God's sake.

Get it together, guys. Really. I can't believe you let these guys force a Game 7, unless you all were going intentionally for the circular serendipity of playing the last game at the Igloo, ever, against the team who played in the first game, ever, at the Igloo.

Series tied, 3-3, by God.

Round 2, Game 6, Penguins at Canadiens

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE, Pittsburgh, please close it out tonight. Frankly, I'm exhausted and I need a few days off from hockey. Can someone throw a bucket of water on Halak and melt him already?

Chris Kunitz tried to take out Hal Gill on Saturday night with a stomp on the back of his leg ("who, me?"), so maybe Crosby can make some rain in this series yet. I'll take a drop, a sprinkle, anything. Do you believe the Montreal Canadiens have completely shut down the number one scoring center in the NHL? The planets are out of whack, folks.

We'll see what happens tonight, update later.

In the meantime, here's some Chris Kunitz humor from Down Goes Brown to pass the time.

Lest We Forget, the Penguins Lost to Montreal on Thursday Night

I know, I can't believe it either -- I didn't post about Thursday night's embarrassment of a hockey game, which the Penguins lost.

There were beers involved, what can I say?

The highlight of the game, for me, came when I thought I saw a ghost on the ice. Then I saw it again.

A Viking in a sweater emblazoned with the big double ones, which caused me to drop my drippy chicken wing and grab Ed's sleeve in my grubby paw and bounce up and down on my barstool, squealing like a teenager at a Justin Bieber mallstop.

"Staal! Staal! Staal's dressed! They're playing Staal!"

I agree with Pensburgh, this will become the stuff of Pittsburgh hockey legend. See, Staal took a skate blade across the top of his foot last Friday, and had surgery that night to repair a SEVERED TENDON. And he played 6 nights later? Come ON. That's heavy metal.

And fucking sexy as hell.

Staal IS the Gronk.

The Pens bring a 2-2 series back to Pittsburgh tonight. I must go out and get some Guinness for this, and see if Roni wants to come over and watch. You're invited, too.

Flower Power - Round 2, Game 3, Pens 2- Habs 0

(Image: AP) Can you do that?

The Montreal Canadiens, who in Round 1 eliminated the Washington Capitols through sheer cussedness, have decided they aren't going to make this easy for the defending champion Pittsburgh Penguins.

Last night was a battle of the defenses and goalies, with playoff (and Stanley Cup-winner) veteran Marc-Andre Fleury and surprise-star Montreal goaltender Jaroslav Halak both performing brilliantly in the net for their teams. Fleury came up aces for the Pens, winning a hard-fought shutout against an extremely determined Montreal squad, 2-0. While it wasn't a shooting game (Fleury stopped just 18 shots, but some of those saves were definitely highlight-reel material), sometimes a great defensive game can be as entertaining as the 50-shot nights.

Both netminders held their opponents scoreless through 2 periods, until Sidney Crosby scrapped with former NY Ranger Scott Gomez near the close of the 2nd. Former Penguin Hal Gill got involved, and the ref sat him down. Pittsburgh would start the 3rd period on a power play.

Gill is possibly the slowest player in the NHL, but he is a tremendously effective shutdown defenseman, and he has shown in the last few games that he knows better than anyone how to hold off Crosby around the net. No superstar during regulation play, Gill is a steady go-to presence on the ice at playoff time. Not to mention, the guy is a monster. Standing 6-7 in his bare feet, Gill has the clear bulk advantage over the relatively small (5-11) Crosby, but what Crosby lacks in size, he more than makes up for with agility, speed, and skill.

During these playoffs, we haven't seen much of last year's Conn Smythe winner, Evgeni Malkin. Sometimes it seems to me that Malkin's like that kid in the Little League who's out in center field, woolgathering and blowing dandelion puffs into the wind. Sometimes he just doesn't seem all that engaged, either in the game or with his linemates, seemingly drifting in circles in the neutral zone. Then all of a sudden, a puck will skitter in his direction and you'll realize that Malkin's been there all along, biding his time. He'll seize the puck and galoomph down the ice with it, with his frankly ugly skating style (Malkin's all elbows and assholes when he's going end to end, I swear he looks like he's doing the Charleston) that makes you overlook the things that he's doing with his stick to control the puck. Seventy-six seconds into the 3rd period, off a pass from his compatriot Sergei Gonchar, Malkin sneaked a one-timer past a screening Crosby at Halak's net, scoring the first, and winning, goal of the game.

"First two power plays, we played not very good," Malkin said. "After second period, we talked a lot and we just moved the puck. Quick move of puck opened net and just shoot. Not too hard. Just move puck." His English exhausted, Malkin then resumed pointing and grunting.

The rest of the period was merely a waiting game. The Penguins just had to hold off the Habs for the rest of regulation, which they did, playing blue-collar defense to win the shutout for Fleury. There were a few confusing moments at the end of the period, as Jacques Martin couldn't seem to decide whether to pull Halak to put the sixth man on, or keep him in net. We saw a lot of Halak gliding back and forth between the Habs' bench and the goal crease, until he was pulled for good. Pittsburgh took the opportunity to steal the puck one last time, and Pascal Dupuis tapped in an empty-netter to close out the game.

If the rest of the series continues as it's started, with the team's marquee players being ground down by the opposition's defense, Round 3 will seem like a cakewalk to whichever team wins.

Still keeping an eye on PK Subban. Kid's really good.

Pens 2-Montreal 0

Pens lead the series 2-1.

Next game: Thursday at Montreal, 7pm on Versus

Game Day: Round 2, Game 2, Habs at Pittsburgh

So the geniuses at NBC scheduled a hockey game for 2 o'clock in the afternoon, causing me to cancel plans I had with my friend Nancy, and my apartment looks like a shithole anyway, so I can watch hockey while I clean my house. This really means that I will sit on my ass watching the game with the vacuum cleaner and Murphy's Oil Soap somewhere in my general vicinity.

After the spanking the Pens administered on Montreal on Friday night, complete with Bill Guerin's unnecessary and almost-but-not-really cruel empty-netter in the dwindling seconds of the game (hey, we're going to win this game anyway, let me skate slowly the length of the ice and give you this final kick in the ribs), I would bet that Halak will dress but not play today.

The Pens, having shut down the Habs penalty-kill machine that defeated Ovechkin and company, appear to have found their playoff gear, and though they're only 1 game into the series, they have all the tools for a sweep.

Hockey fact to make you feel smart: The "H" in the Canadiens' logo does not stand for "Habs." The official name of this Original Six team is "Le Club du Hockey de Canada," or something Quebecoise-Froggy like that. The "H" stands for "Hockey."

2nd Hockey fact to make you feel smart: "Habs" is short for "Les Habitants."

Don't know if Jordan Staal will play today after the Subban thing on Friday, so I'm off to Pensburgh, with trepidation, to get the practice report and find out who will make up our 3rd line.

UPDATE: 10 minutes later. The news is NOT GOOD about Jordan Staal. He had surgery to repair a tendon in his foot, but Dan Bylsma would not say that this will end his season. As Pensburgh points out, if it was a season-ending injury, there would be no reason not to say so, so we can only keep our fingers crossed. Frankly, I'm not optimistic.

Pittsburgh Penguins to Jaroslav Halak: "Hey, kid, get off my lawn!"

Something is up with the Penguins. They were 4-for-4 on the power play tonight. I thought maybe they fired the power play coach, Yeo, but he's on the bench with Dan Bylsma tonight. Maybe he got a little come-to-Jeebus talk.

Stat on the screen: highest point-per-game average in the playoffs:

Gretzky
Lemieux
Crosby
Malkin

Three Penguins and The Great One. Nice.

Sadly, Jordan Staal left the ice at the beginning of the 2nd period, after a weird collision with Habs hotshot rookie PK Subban. Looked like he took a skate across the foot, but of course, it will be listed generically as "lower body injury." Huge deficit for the Pens if he's out for any period of time because he's a very important player for the Pens, especially in the playoffs. He also hasn't missed a single game in his career due to injury, and I'd hate to see that streak broken.

Keep your eye on this Subban kid. He's really, really talented. A little rough around the edges, still, but he could make a real difference to a midleague team.

At one point badass Brooks Orpik was coming off the bench and you could read his lips very clearly: "I'm on Subban." So he is aware.

I don't know WHY Montreal waited until the Pens scored 5 goals before pulling Halak. The guy just played the game of his life on Wednesday night, dontcha think he might be a little tired?

It was really nice to see Sergei Gonchar looking like his old self again. I guess the old guy still has some gas in the tank.

As always, Sidney Crosby is simply magical to watch. There is just nothing he can't do. I am agog every time he gets the puck.

Annnnnd Billy Guerin closes it out with a casual empty-netter.

6-3 Penguins.

Tonight was a grinder's game: goals credited to Gonchar, Staal, Letang, Adams, Goligosky, Guerin.

Game 6, Penguins 4 - Senators 3 in 1 OT

After a grim 3-0 start, the Pittsburgh Penguins finally showed up in Ottawa and began playing hockey.

Pissant cheapshot artist Matt Cooke was the surprise impact player of the game with 2 goals. In a post-regulation interview Cooke mentioned that during the break before Round 2 begins he will moonlight as a jack o'lantern model.



What can I say? I don't like the guy. But he did his job, and really well, on Saturday night.

Geezer Bill Guerin scored the 3rd regulation goal to tie the game, determined to kick seriously righteous ass in what is probably his final season with the Pens.


This is not a handsome man, in say, a Henrik Lundqvist sense. But oh, how hot he is. I believe the term is jolie laide. I can relate.

Scrappy blue-eyed cutie-pie Pascal "Eyelashes" Dupuis, sporting the fastest-growing and furriest playoff beard of any Penguin, slapped in the game-winning goal in overtime, at which point he adjourned to the Millenium Falcon for his ride back to Pittsburgh with Han Solo.



Just say it aloud. "Pascal Dupuis." It starts with a smile and ends with a kiss. How do you not love this man?

Sidney Crosby, with a frankly shocking -2 on the game, continues to sport the saddest playoff whiskers of any NHL player.



Really, this line is just an excuse to post this picture, because, hello, this is hot.

Pens win, 4-3, and advance to Round 2, which means that you all now have to deal with periodic hockey posts for at least two more weeks. So too bad.

And if you missed tonight's Weekend Update on SNL, it was the funniest it's been in years. My neighbor must think I'm insane.

Game 6, Pens-Sens Tonight

It's not a must-win, since the Pens're still ahead in the series 3-2, but it's an oughta-win, since from a pure talent perspective there is no reason on the planet this team should be losing to Ottawa. But after Thursday night's 3-overtime grinder at home, the Pens are back in Ottawa. If the Senators win this series and eliminate the Birds in the first round, then they just must want it more.

I am cooking dinner tonight for Veronica's birthday, and we are having a Bacon Explosion and Dom Perignon. I know, I'm some kind of philistine, but what better way to crack that bottle than to toast my beautiful best friend?

I got her a gift certificate for her favorite Williamsburg tattoo parlor. Is that weird?

Stopped by UVA wine shop, and guess what, it's rose season! Yay! Don't confuse it with zinfandel, you rubes.

Getting on the L train at Bedford, a guy saw my Crosby tee shirt, threw his arms in the air and bellowed a stadium voice, "PENGUINNNNNS!"

The word of the day is "sassy." Everyone is sassy and bushy-tailed today. Must be the weather.

Penguins-Senators, 7-4

I don't even know what to say. That game was insane.

I am spent. Does anyone have a cigarette?

Pens lead the series 3-1 and head home to the Igloo on Thursday night. One more and they're done and on to the next round.

Now to Chicago-Nashville, and I want Chicago to beat the everloving shit out of Nashville because THERE SHOULDN'T BE HOCKEY TEAMS IN TOWNS SOUTH OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE. Yes, I'm shouting and I won't apologize..

2nd Period Intermission Report

Kids, this game 4 is what hockey is all about. Penguins scored FIVE goals in the 2nd period.

More later. If we take a win back to the Igloo, it is OVAH.

My heart is about to burst and I am making a scene all by myself.

NHL Playoffs, Game 3

The Pens found their fangs and claws, finally.
Wait, there's something really wrong with that. Flightless birds. Fangs. Claws.

Do-over.

The Pens found their clubs and fists, finally.

Ehhhhh. Still not great.

Oh, the hell with it. The Pens and Sens played a fast, great, aggressive game, with a lot of snarling on both sides. Many penalty minutes assessed, mostly on that animal Jarkko Ruutu. I mean, honestly, what kind of name is "Jarkko Ruutu?" Who has two "k's" and three "u's" in their name? Huge scrum in the 3rd, with a massive dogpile with Brooks Orpik at the bottom, and when he was finally able to get up, he had a big grin on his face. God, I loves me a defenseman who loves his job.

Hockey trivia to make you sound smart: Brooks Orpik is named after Herb Brooks, the coach of the 1980 USA "Miracle on Ice" team.

Pens win, 4-2, and lead the series 2-1.

In other games, my favorite scrappy upstart team, the Phoenix Coyotes, caught the Detroit Red Wings completely off guard again, also winning 4-2 to lead their series 2-1. I am hereby, for the duration of the playoffs, putting aside my ironclad belief that there shouldn't be NHL teams in regions that don't have four distinct seasons. After all, Phoenix did used to be the Winnipeg Jets, so this round I give them a bye. I also have a soft spot for them because they have the fourth Staal brother, Jared. More on the Staals in another post.

Do you know how much hockey I have watched this weekend? ALL OF IT.

I'm spent, and need a cigarette and a shower.

Sidney Crosby Wins Maurice "Rocket" Richard Trophy

Sidney Crosby scored his 50th and 51st goals of the season today in the final regulation game of the 2009-2010 NHL season, tying Steven Stamkos to share the Maurice "Rocket" Richard Trophy.

The New York Rangers, though they did lose their game and an entry into the post-season race, shut down the Russian Machine of Alex Ovechkin. Heh.

I would upgrade Crosby to "Sid the Man," but I think he needs to move out of Mario Lemieux's guest house first.

On to the playoffs, and may the Mighty Flightless Birds still be skating in June!

Blogtarded

For some reason, I am able to read but unable to comment on other people's blogs when I'm on my Blackberry.

I just want you to know, I'm THINKING of really good responses to your posts.

In the meantime, we're down to the last fistful of games in the NHL regular season. For teams on the bubble, like the New York Rangers, those games mean the difference between hanging up their skates before tax day or possibly playing until the middle of June.

As a fan, I'd love to see my boys of winter lift another cup, but they have been so inconsistent of late that I just don't know if they'll make it past the first round. The Old Man, Badass Billy Guerin may have to get into a fight every night to keep the team motivated.

Tuesday, April 6th, Pens host archnemesis Washington Capitols (Crosby vs Ovie is always worth watching). Thursday is the last regular-season NHL game EVER at the Civic Arena, aka "The Igloo."

Crosby vs Stamkos Tonight!

Very happy to have a Penguins game to watch tonight!

No playoff hopes for Tampa Bay and Pens already in and looking to win the Division.

Two of our key Russians out again -- Gonchar with strep and Malkin still nursing the foot that took one of his own teammate's shots a couple weeks ago. Fedotenko took a giant hit in the first period that left him facedown on the ice for a couple minutes (offender Lashoff immediately ejected from the game) but he did leave the ice under his own steam.and returned a little while later, so Lashoff probably won't be suspended.

Okay, start of the 2nd and Pens just gave up their 2nd goal. The clock is now running on Flower.

To be perfectly honest, how this Penguins team got to 2nd place in the Eastern Conference with such a crappy power play is beyond me. Pens need to fire their PP coach.

For Your Weekend Entertainment

Some kitty porn:




You have to admit, that's pretty effin cute. Right down to the tongue.

What are you complaining about? It could be worse, I could have posted a photo of Evgeni Malkin, shirtless.

Well, if you insist, okay, here:



Who knew he was so pale and scrawny under all those pads?

Let me tell ya, he's no Sidney Crosby, that's for sure.



And now that I'm officially a pervy old woman, I'm out.

Have a nice weekend everyone, and just a reminder to STAY BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE.

Back from the Olympic Break, Part 1

Before I go on obsessively about ice hockey and Sidney Crosby's corruptible angel bee-stung pucker, I just wanted to ask, didn't The Brand look completely AWESOME for two weeks? Every time I turned on the TV, there we were! Even Stephen Colbert wore us head to toe the entire Olympics! Unfortunately, most the rest of the world apparently thought so, too, because that groovy little moose cap sold out over the first weekend of the games. Snooki-wahh!

Back to business...

So admit it. If you never watched a hockey game in your life, you were tuned in on the last Sunday in February. And if you were one of the five people in America who weren’t watching USA-Canada gold-medal hockey, you missed one of the best hockey games ever. Even though we didn’t win the gold medal, Zach Parise won the “Play with the Most Heart” for creating the cheer heard ‘round the world at 19:36 of the 3rd period. And finally, after waiting for the entire Olympic tournament, we got to see the Sidney Crosby I’ve known and loved for the past few years, at the right moment, doing what he does best…flicking it past Ryan Miller with a wrister that completely silenced the bar where I was watching and winning the gold medal for Canada.

We won’t talk about how silly drunk I got on Lansdowne’s $3 Labatt’s drafts while taking rafts of shit for wearing a Penguins Crosby t-shirt. Let’s just say that Roni and I were handed a tab for 36 bucks at the end of the night, which means we drank an awful lot of beer. So let’s leave that, Crosby’s gold-medal shot, and Monday’s hangover, for the record books, and move back to regular season play, which resumed on Tuesday night.

Tuesday, March 2
Buffalo Sabres at Pittsburgh Penguins

On a hunch, figuring the League would want to capitalize on a post-Olympic hockey high, I flip to the 430-something channel and discover that woohoo! the NHL network is back on for a free preview. So I totally get to see the first game back, which I’m completely psyched for, as we’ll not get to see the hero of Team USA, Ryan Miller, in the house of the Man Who Beat Him, Sidney Crosby.

So the Pens have a little ceremony before the game, complete with cornball NBC Olympic music, introducing all the Olympians in the house. Wow, there are something like 11 Olympians in the Igloo. Five Penguins players – Sidney Crosby and Marc-Andre Fleury (Canada), Brooks Orpik (Team USA), Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar (Russia) and five Sabres players – Ryan Miller (Team USA), Jochen Hecht (GER), Henrik Tallinder (SWE), Toni Lydman (FIN) and Andrej Sekera (SLO) and Coach Lindy Ruff.

It’s all pretty cool, except there’s apparently been no FSN producer coordinating with the players, so we get crappy static headshots of some players, a shot of Ryan Miller standing in the shadows until a spotlight can find him, at which point the crowd goes apeshit crazy, chanting “USA! USA! USA!” Miller, still looking incredibly bummed, looks like he wants to cry. Marc-Andre Fleury looks sheepish (“Hey, I got an Olympic gold medal for not playing one minute of hockey!”), and when they show a replay of Sidney Crosby’s winning goal, the Pittsburgh crowd actually boos – loudly. Cut to a lonely and exhausted-looking Crosby standing at center ice with a spotlight on him, at which point the boos are sort of overtaken by cheers (“He’s our hometown hero! But he beat our COUNTRY! BOOOOO! YAAAYYYY!). He may be able to tune out the ubiquitous “Crosby Sucks!” chants every time the Pens are on the road, but to be booed – even in replay -- in his own arena seems to hurt his feelings.

As for the game? Well, let’s hope the Pens are coming back strong from the break, as they went into it having lost 3 out of the 4 games beforehand. Not to worry. We get a good, solid back-to-normal, nothing-to-see-here NHL game, including Sergei Gonchar’s 200th career goal, and the debut of Jordan Leopold, who was acquired in a trade on Monday, from the Florida Panthers (I’m sure he’s pleased to be coming north to the ‘burgh; would you be upset to be traded from a 25th-place, no-playoff-hope team to the 4th place, current Cup champion team playing with arguably the best player in the league?) Oh, and Fleury sat out this game (the Flower must have been tired from his Vancouver exertions. I kid the Flower! I love the Flower!), giving us a chance to see backup goalie Brent Johnson in his Led Zeppelin mask.

The Pens are mightier than the sword.

Penguins 3 – Boston 2

I Know I've Been Missing For Awhile

No, I haven't disappeared in the Facebook, and I continue to refuse to be a Twit(terer). I've just been preoccupied with other things. Work has been distracting, my old cat now has a diagnosis of high blood pressure requiring daily medication (blind, deaf, shaky in the legs with hypertension -- I swear my Dad has come back to reside in this fur person), and I just haven't had much to say.

I honestly think this cat is going to live to be 25. Someday you will see me featured on Huffington Post, I just know it. "Mambo, world's oldest cat, turns 25." Yikes.


Jack Skellington's Cat











Wait, I always have something to say...I just haven't been saying it on the Blog. Huh. I keep having ideas for blog posts then not writing them.

Besides, I think I have been quite admirably silent on the subject of Governor Quitter for long enough. Don't you know how HARD that has been for me?

Some of the ideas that came and went since October 22nd:



Did you really think I was going to put the actual book on my blog?

November was apparently "Special Olympics of Publishing" month, as half-a-retard Wasilla housewife Sarah Palin got a whole lot of trees murdered on her behalf. A book ghost-written for a maroon who doesn't think, to be bought by a whole lot of other maroons who can't read. But frankly, isn't it about time the white trash parts of America get a coffee table book to call their own?

But it does inspire me to suggest some holiday mischief for all you holiday Krampuses (or is that "Krampii?") At any rate -- go into your local Barnes and Noble or any big box bookstore and move the books around. Switch "The Nation's" version with the "not written by Sarah Palin but by her Ghost Writer Lynne Vincent" version. Move them one at a time to the bookshelf outside the store bathrooms. I have to confess to doing some variation on this petty vandalism every time I travel -- I move Glenn Beck's books around in airport bookstores, turn them upside down, or put two copies of someone else's book on top of his. Since most people who are looking for Sarah Palin's book have probably never been inside a bookstore before, it should be really easy to fool them.





If you look really closely, those two Penguins are Evgeni "Geno" Malkin and Sidney "Sidney" Crosby

I went to the NY Rangers game on November 30. That would be the one where they got totally spanked, and really hard with a wooden spoon drilled with holes, by my beloved Penguins. The Rangers have been on a bad slide after a strong start, mainly because they seem to be relying on Marian Gaborik to throw the entire team over his shoulder and fireman-carry them through the entire season. If he gets hurt they are TOAST. In other hockey news, Alex Ovechkin, who is probably the best player in the NHL -- I have to admit, that guy is an ANIMAL -- learned about karma the hard way, not only getting kneecapped and injured, but he earned a suspension in the bargain. Somewhere in Pittsburgh, Sergei Gonchar had to have said (like that Chinese guy in "The Hangover"), "see you later, muthafuckaaahhhh." Don't know if Ovie's back on the ice yet.




Apparently morning TV needs another Mommy.

No matter how much I try to like her for being the "liberal" voice on "Morning Joe," I find Mika Brzezinski completely annoying. She gets this purse-lipped puss on her face and climbs up onto her moral high horse where she wags her finger at Joe Scarborough and Mike Barnicle every morning. Blecch.




You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!


Bullet in the Eye, Back of the Garbage Truck. I have to admit to having this fantasy, folks. First, you have to imagine you hear the piano outro from "Layla" as background music. Then, long shot on a Cadillac. Pink. Camera moves in, to reveal two dead people in the front seat. Look, it's Dick and Liz Cheney! Fade to shot of refrigerator truck, move past frozen slabs of beef on hooks, to show another frozen solid corpse on a hook...Joe Lieberman! Last, but not least -- and "Layla" is still playing, folks, while Ray Liotta supplies our voiceover -- we see the garbage truck, churning its fetid refuse, turn out the bloated corpse, with a closeup on the bullet in the eye, of Glenn Beck! Ahhh, a girl can fantasize, can't she?


ET, phone home.

I saw "This is It," in November. I have to admit, in between marvelling, "That's a 51-year old man!" I wept several times. MJ was like some creature from another planet that we got to borrow for a little while. What a loss.


International Paper -- Drunk on Black Liquor

Last but not least before I check out and go to bed...if you want another group of corporations to be angry with, I say, go with American paper and pulp manufacturers. Not for the expected reasons (decimation of forests, replacing them with those heinous "managed forests") but because they are pocketing your tax dollars, to the tune of billions -- yes, that's billions with a "B" -- by exploiting a loophole in a bad piece of legislation. They're getting checks written to them by the IRS -- that's BILLIONS, folks -- for something called "black liquor." I suggest you check out a blog called Dead Tree Edition. And if you were wondering how Baucus and company got Snowe, just consider that the loophole is scheduled to close at the end of 2009, and Maine happens to be where an awful lot of pulp and paper is maufactured. Congressional back-scratching at its finest, folks. It makes me feel dirty.

Well, that's all I've got for tonight, folks. But just remember, black liquor.

Oh wait, one last thing: that 16-second "surprise kitty" video may be the cutest video EVER posted on youtube. I think it even beats the NY Lottery Sweet Millions commercials.