Chicago Blackhawks Win! Marian Hossa Finally Gets His Cup.

Oh, all right. I admit that despite my constant trashing of Marian Hossa, it was nice to see him finally get to lift the Stanley Cup last night. And for Chicago, who hasn't won it in FORTY-NINE YEARS, what a moment.

Jeez, people, what kind of grinch do you think I am?

And Jeremy Roenick, crying in the booth like a little girl during post-game? C'mon, man. If you think there's no crying in baseball, there's even less in hockey.

Girly-man.

The best part of that was Mike Milbury saying, "I never got to do it (lift the Cup), either, but I didn't CRY about it."

And finally, this game means one thing, and one thing only to me.

Only four months till hockey season.

The Fuck?

I'm watching Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and Chicago is on the verge of winning their first Cup since 1961. And I have to ask, what the fuck is up with some of these European names?

I mean, just when I get my head and tongue wrapped around Toews ("Taves") and Byfuglien ("Buff-lin"), suddenly my attention is drawn to Niklas Hjalmarsson? What the fuck is up with that? Who puts an "H" before a "J?" Dude's name is pronounced "Jal-marson." So the fucking "H" is silent, like the "k" in knife.

You may all now call me "Hjane."

And don't even get me started on the Canadians, who don't seem to know if they want to be French or not. Boucher is "Boo-shay" but "Probert" is "Pro-burt."

Gimme that nice, simple Sidney Patrick Crosby, any day.

I can't believe the Hflyers have just scored to tie the game. And it was a bounce off of fucking Marian Hossa. My man is cursed, I tell you, CURSED.

More on Duncan Keith

From Chicagobreakingsports.com

Keith lost four teeth on the bottom and three on top and said afterward he had a long night ahead of him at the dentist.

"I took one breath and it felt like my whole mouth was missing so I knew there were some teeth gone," Keith said. "I saw a couple fall out and I had one in the back of my throat. I could feel it and coughed it out. A bunch of them disintegrated it felt like.

"That sort of thing happens. I'm not the only guy who's ever lost bunch of teeth or been hit in the mouth with a puck or stick and I'm sure I won't be the last guy."

Despite the damage, Keith returned a short time later and assisted on Dave Bolland's game-tying goal and finished with a game-high 29 minutes 2 seconds of ice time."

That's rock and roll, baby.

The Curse of Hossa

I know you were excited when the Pens got knocked out of the playoffs, because you thought I'd quit writing about hockey. Well, you know what? Jane's in a shitty mood today, so my response to that is this: fuck you, the horse you rode in on, and anyone who looks like you.

Now, where was I?

I'm pretty excited for the Chicago Blackhawks, who won the Western Conference finals today, sweeping San Jose in 4 games. Another epic fail for the Sharks.

Except for one thing.

HOSSA!

The 'Hawks should be worried. Hossa is the Kiss of Death for any team with Stanley Cup Aspirations. Just check out his record:

2002-2003 Ottawa Senators – Defeated in 7 games in the Eastern Conference finals vs. the NJ Devils. The Devils went on to win the Stanley Cup that year.
2004-2005 Played in Europe due to the lockout.
2006-2007 Atlanta Thrashers – Eliminated in Round 1 of the playoffs by the NY Rangers
2007-2008 Pittsburgh Penguins – Defeated in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Detroit Red Wings
2008-2009 Detroit Red Wings – Defeated in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Pittsburgh Penguins



On the other hand, how can you not love Duncan Keith, who took a puck in the mouth, lost 7 teeth, got a couple of shots, and came back out to play? That, my friends, is heavy metal. Dio, rest his soul, would approve.

The Canadiens are going to need a miracle to pull out of their 3-1 freefall tonight against Philadelphia. This is a difficult series to watch, because while I like the Canadiens for the plutonium balls they've exhibited to get this far, I can't stand Montreal fans.

The only fans more odious than Montreal fans are Philadelphia fans. In fact, the only thing I can see that Montreal fans have going for them is that they're not from Philadelphia.

So if it's a Hawks-Flyers Cup Final, my cheers are for Chicago.

I'm Ready to Talk About the Heartache

We know how you feel, Jordan. Now come over here and let Mama make you feel better.

No, not that heartache. That one's for me and me alone.

I'm talking about the fact that my Penguins knocked themselves out of contention for another Cup in the 2nd round of the playoffs.

The Pens just didn't look like they were all there from the last handful of regular season games all the way through Rounds 1 and 2. Too many line changes, not enough chemistry between linemates (except when Geurin, Crosby, and Dupuis were matched up), Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar practically disappearing at times (hello? You guys are a couple of the highest-paid players in the League, you make a combined $14 mil a year, show up and EARN it, dammit!), Jordan Staal not getting the support on the wing that he needs and deserves, not to mention a potentially season-ending injury at the skate of PK Subban...I could go on and on, but the list is too depressing.

My friend Ed is a big Rangers fan, constantly frustrated, because in his words, "sometimes they go out and play like they're the best team in the NHL." He could have been talking about the Penguins. In fact, toward the end of the season, when I was scratching my head at the bush-league level of Pens play, he kept telling me not to lose faith. "They can lift their game at will," Ed told me. And occasionally we saw that happen. It just didn't happen often or consistently enough.

After playing over 300 games since the 2008-09 season, plus sending their 5 stars to the Olympics this year, the Penguins just didn't have enough gas left in the tank for a playoff run into the Cup final. Had they made it, it would have been on vapors, prayers, and with the assistance of angels.

Unfortunately, those things were in short supply this season in Pittsburgh, and the Penguins have packed up their lockers at Mellon Arena for the final time, to face a long summer of golf and soul-searching, to see what changes need to be made, and hopefully get enough rest for 2010-11.

Here are my thoroughly inexpert predictions for who we'll see and who we won't next season:

1) Cool your jets. Crosby, Malkin, and Staal are all staying put. They eat up a HUGE chunk of salary cap space, but c'mon, you've got a Richard trophy, a Conn Smythe trophy and a Selke finalist on your first three lines. Do you really think Ray Shero's gonna mess with them?

2) Sergei Gonchar is probably gone. He enters free agency this year, and the Pens really can't afford a $5 million dollar a year, 36-year-old defenseman who doesn't produce like he used to.

3) Bill Guerin -- gone. Billy G has been crucial to the Pens' success these past couple of seasons. But let's face it. He turns 40 in November. The old man has GOT to be plain exhausted. He can't go out and fight ALL the fights. In my fantasy, Bill puts on a tie and gets behind the bench to work on the Penguins' lame-ass Power Play. I know, it's a fantasy, but it's MY fantasy, and I can do whatever I want with it. Plus, I love Guerin in Pittsburgh. Handsome or not handsome (Bill is on that cusp of ugly-gorgeous), he raises the hotness quotient of the team immeasurably.

4) Ponikarovsky was an experiment that failed. Buh-bye.

5) I'm still on the fence about Jordan Leopold.

6) I guess I wasn't paying attention to Mike Rupp throughout the season, but then again, he might be one of those guys who steps up and shines in the playoffs. I mean, his first playoff goal, ever, won the Stanley Cup for the NJ Devils in 2003. So the kid's got something (kid! Hah! Guy's 30, which makes him a kid in my book but practically a senior citizen in the NHL.) Anyway, I loved his play in the playoffs, and for some reason I was really confused and got it in my head he was some kind of defenseman. Maybe it was because he plays without a shield on his helmet, maybe it was his broken-up face, maybe it was all the fights. Surprise! He's a working-class center. Keep him on the 4th line, I like him there.

7) Sigh. Matt Cooke. The player you hate to love. We have our own version of Sean Avery in the city of Three Rivers. Bad reputation but a more-than-competent, quick and agile playmaker. Shit! He was a real contributor to what little success the Pens managed to scrape up in these playoffs.

8) Fleury ain't going nowhere. Flower won the Stanley Cup. Had a so-so season and dismal playoffs, but he won us a Cup. That counts for something. Plus, he's just so purty.

Well, here's where I bid adieu to the Penguins for the season.

And let's hope for a Blackhawks-Canadiens Final. I'd love to see two Original Six teams battling down to the wire. And secretly, even though they destroyed the Washington Capitols and the Pittsburgh Penguins, I'm quietly rooting for the Habs.

They're scrappy.

And you know Jane loves her some scrappy.