Chicago Blackhawks Win! Marian Hossa Finally Gets His Cup.

Oh, all right. I admit that despite my constant trashing of Marian Hossa, it was nice to see him finally get to lift the Stanley Cup last night. And for Chicago, who hasn't won it in FORTY-NINE YEARS, what a moment.

Jeez, people, what kind of grinch do you think I am?

And Jeremy Roenick, crying in the booth like a little girl during post-game? C'mon, man. If you think there's no crying in baseball, there's even less in hockey.

Girly-man.

The best part of that was Mike Milbury saying, "I never got to do it (lift the Cup), either, but I didn't CRY about it."

And finally, this game means one thing, and one thing only to me.

Only four months till hockey season.

The Fuck?

I'm watching Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and Chicago is on the verge of winning their first Cup since 1961. And I have to ask, what the fuck is up with some of these European names?

I mean, just when I get my head and tongue wrapped around Toews ("Taves") and Byfuglien ("Buff-lin"), suddenly my attention is drawn to Niklas Hjalmarsson? What the fuck is up with that? Who puts an "H" before a "J?" Dude's name is pronounced "Jal-marson." So the fucking "H" is silent, like the "k" in knife.

You may all now call me "Hjane."

And don't even get me started on the Canadians, who don't seem to know if they want to be French or not. Boucher is "Boo-shay" but "Probert" is "Pro-burt."

Gimme that nice, simple Sidney Patrick Crosby, any day.

I can't believe the Hflyers have just scored to tie the game. And it was a bounce off of fucking Marian Hossa. My man is cursed, I tell you, CURSED.

The Curse of Hossa

I know you were excited when the Pens got knocked out of the playoffs, because you thought I'd quit writing about hockey. Well, you know what? Jane's in a shitty mood today, so my response to that is this: fuck you, the horse you rode in on, and anyone who looks like you.

Now, where was I?

I'm pretty excited for the Chicago Blackhawks, who won the Western Conference finals today, sweeping San Jose in 4 games. Another epic fail for the Sharks.

Except for one thing.

HOSSA!

The 'Hawks should be worried. Hossa is the Kiss of Death for any team with Stanley Cup Aspirations. Just check out his record:

2002-2003 Ottawa Senators – Defeated in 7 games in the Eastern Conference finals vs. the NJ Devils. The Devils went on to win the Stanley Cup that year.
2004-2005 Played in Europe due to the lockout.
2006-2007 Atlanta Thrashers – Eliminated in Round 1 of the playoffs by the NY Rangers
2007-2008 Pittsburgh Penguins – Defeated in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Detroit Red Wings
2008-2009 Detroit Red Wings – Defeated in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Pittsburgh Penguins



On the other hand, how can you not love Duncan Keith, who took a puck in the mouth, lost 7 teeth, got a couple of shots, and came back out to play? That, my friends, is heavy metal. Dio, rest his soul, would approve.

The Canadiens are going to need a miracle to pull out of their 3-1 freefall tonight against Philadelphia. This is a difficult series to watch, because while I like the Canadiens for the plutonium balls they've exhibited to get this far, I can't stand Montreal fans.

The only fans more odious than Montreal fans are Philadelphia fans. In fact, the only thing I can see that Montreal fans have going for them is that they're not from Philadelphia.

So if it's a Hawks-Flyers Cup Final, my cheers are for Chicago.