The Curse of Hossa

I know you were excited when the Pens got knocked out of the playoffs, because you thought I'd quit writing about hockey. Well, you know what? Jane's in a shitty mood today, so my response to that is this: fuck you, the horse you rode in on, and anyone who looks like you.

Now, where was I?

I'm pretty excited for the Chicago Blackhawks, who won the Western Conference finals today, sweeping San Jose in 4 games. Another epic fail for the Sharks.

Except for one thing.

HOSSA!

The 'Hawks should be worried. Hossa is the Kiss of Death for any team with Stanley Cup Aspirations. Just check out his record:

2002-2003 Ottawa Senators – Defeated in 7 games in the Eastern Conference finals vs. the NJ Devils. The Devils went on to win the Stanley Cup that year.
2004-2005 Played in Europe due to the lockout.
2006-2007 Atlanta Thrashers – Eliminated in Round 1 of the playoffs by the NY Rangers
2007-2008 Pittsburgh Penguins – Defeated in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Detroit Red Wings
2008-2009 Detroit Red Wings – Defeated in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Pittsburgh Penguins



On the other hand, how can you not love Duncan Keith, who took a puck in the mouth, lost 7 teeth, got a couple of shots, and came back out to play? That, my friends, is heavy metal. Dio, rest his soul, would approve.

The Canadiens are going to need a miracle to pull out of their 3-1 freefall tonight against Philadelphia. This is a difficult series to watch, because while I like the Canadiens for the plutonium balls they've exhibited to get this far, I can't stand Montreal fans.

The only fans more odious than Montreal fans are Philadelphia fans. In fact, the only thing I can see that Montreal fans have going for them is that they're not from Philadelphia.

So if it's a Hawks-Flyers Cup Final, my cheers are for Chicago.

I'm Ready to Talk About the Heartache

We know how you feel, Jordan. Now come over here and let Mama make you feel better.

No, not that heartache. That one's for me and me alone.

I'm talking about the fact that my Penguins knocked themselves out of contention for another Cup in the 2nd round of the playoffs.

The Pens just didn't look like they were all there from the last handful of regular season games all the way through Rounds 1 and 2. Too many line changes, not enough chemistry between linemates (except when Geurin, Crosby, and Dupuis were matched up), Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar practically disappearing at times (hello? You guys are a couple of the highest-paid players in the League, you make a combined $14 mil a year, show up and EARN it, dammit!), Jordan Staal not getting the support on the wing that he needs and deserves, not to mention a potentially season-ending injury at the skate of PK Subban...I could go on and on, but the list is too depressing.

My friend Ed is a big Rangers fan, constantly frustrated, because in his words, "sometimes they go out and play like they're the best team in the NHL." He could have been talking about the Penguins. In fact, toward the end of the season, when I was scratching my head at the bush-league level of Pens play, he kept telling me not to lose faith. "They can lift their game at will," Ed told me. And occasionally we saw that happen. It just didn't happen often or consistently enough.

After playing over 300 games since the 2008-09 season, plus sending their 5 stars to the Olympics this year, the Penguins just didn't have enough gas left in the tank for a playoff run into the Cup final. Had they made it, it would have been on vapors, prayers, and with the assistance of angels.

Unfortunately, those things were in short supply this season in Pittsburgh, and the Penguins have packed up their lockers at Mellon Arena for the final time, to face a long summer of golf and soul-searching, to see what changes need to be made, and hopefully get enough rest for 2010-11.

Here are my thoroughly inexpert predictions for who we'll see and who we won't next season:

1) Cool your jets. Crosby, Malkin, and Staal are all staying put. They eat up a HUGE chunk of salary cap space, but c'mon, you've got a Richard trophy, a Conn Smythe trophy and a Selke finalist on your first three lines. Do you really think Ray Shero's gonna mess with them?

2) Sergei Gonchar is probably gone. He enters free agency this year, and the Pens really can't afford a $5 million dollar a year, 36-year-old defenseman who doesn't produce like he used to.

3) Bill Guerin -- gone. Billy G has been crucial to the Pens' success these past couple of seasons. But let's face it. He turns 40 in November. The old man has GOT to be plain exhausted. He can't go out and fight ALL the fights. In my fantasy, Bill puts on a tie and gets behind the bench to work on the Penguins' lame-ass Power Play. I know, it's a fantasy, but it's MY fantasy, and I can do whatever I want with it. Plus, I love Guerin in Pittsburgh. Handsome or not handsome (Bill is on that cusp of ugly-gorgeous), he raises the hotness quotient of the team immeasurably.

4) Ponikarovsky was an experiment that failed. Buh-bye.

5) I'm still on the fence about Jordan Leopold.

6) I guess I wasn't paying attention to Mike Rupp throughout the season, but then again, he might be one of those guys who steps up and shines in the playoffs. I mean, his first playoff goal, ever, won the Stanley Cup for the NJ Devils in 2003. So the kid's got something (kid! Hah! Guy's 30, which makes him a kid in my book but practically a senior citizen in the NHL.) Anyway, I loved his play in the playoffs, and for some reason I was really confused and got it in my head he was some kind of defenseman. Maybe it was because he plays without a shield on his helmet, maybe it was his broken-up face, maybe it was all the fights. Surprise! He's a working-class center. Keep him on the 4th line, I like him there.

7) Sigh. Matt Cooke. The player you hate to love. We have our own version of Sean Avery in the city of Three Rivers. Bad reputation but a more-than-competent, quick and agile playmaker. Shit! He was a real contributor to what little success the Pens managed to scrape up in these playoffs.

8) Fleury ain't going nowhere. Flower won the Stanley Cup. Had a so-so season and dismal playoffs, but he won us a Cup. That counts for something. Plus, he's just so purty.

Well, here's where I bid adieu to the Penguins for the season.

And let's hope for a Blackhawks-Canadiens Final. I'd love to see two Original Six teams battling down to the wire. And secretly, even though they destroyed the Washington Capitols and the Pittsburgh Penguins, I'm quietly rooting for the Habs.

They're scrappy.

And you know Jane loves her some scrappy.

The 2009-2010 Detroit Red Wings: Eulogized

Or, not to put too fine a point on it, fuck you, Detroit.

Enjoy your golf, suckers.

The only thing missing from this lineup was Marian Hossa, and he's down in Chicago getting ready to unleash the Curse of Hossa to ensure another team doesn't win a Cup.

On another note, to the Pittsburgh Penguins, I didn't mean you should crumble like a teacake in the rain to Montreal. I mean, it's freakin' Montreal, for God's sake.

Get it together, guys. Really. I can't believe you let these guys force a Game 7, unless you all were going intentionally for the circular serendipity of playing the last game at the Igloo, ever, against the team who played in the first game, ever, at the Igloo.

Series tied, 3-3, by God.

Round 2, Game 6, Penguins at Canadiens

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE, Pittsburgh, please close it out tonight. Frankly, I'm exhausted and I need a few days off from hockey. Can someone throw a bucket of water on Halak and melt him already?

Chris Kunitz tried to take out Hal Gill on Saturday night with a stomp on the back of his leg ("who, me?"), so maybe Crosby can make some rain in this series yet. I'll take a drop, a sprinkle, anything. Do you believe the Montreal Canadiens have completely shut down the number one scoring center in the NHL? The planets are out of whack, folks.

We'll see what happens tonight, update later.

In the meantime, here's some Chris Kunitz humor from Down Goes Brown to pass the time.

Lest We Forget, the Penguins Lost to Montreal on Thursday Night

I know, I can't believe it either -- I didn't post about Thursday night's embarrassment of a hockey game, which the Penguins lost.

There were beers involved, what can I say?

The highlight of the game, for me, came when I thought I saw a ghost on the ice. Then I saw it again.

A Viking in a sweater emblazoned with the big double ones, which caused me to drop my drippy chicken wing and grab Ed's sleeve in my grubby paw and bounce up and down on my barstool, squealing like a teenager at a Justin Bieber mallstop.

"Staal! Staal! Staal's dressed! They're playing Staal!"

I agree with Pensburgh, this will become the stuff of Pittsburgh hockey legend. See, Staal took a skate blade across the top of his foot last Friday, and had surgery that night to repair a SEVERED TENDON. And he played 6 nights later? Come ON. That's heavy metal.

And fucking sexy as hell.

Staal IS the Gronk.

The Pens bring a 2-2 series back to Pittsburgh tonight. I must go out and get some Guinness for this, and see if Roni wants to come over and watch. You're invited, too.

Flower Power - Round 2, Game 3, Pens 2- Habs 0

(Image: AP) Can you do that?

The Montreal Canadiens, who in Round 1 eliminated the Washington Capitols through sheer cussedness, have decided they aren't going to make this easy for the defending champion Pittsburgh Penguins.

Last night was a battle of the defenses and goalies, with playoff (and Stanley Cup-winner) veteran Marc-Andre Fleury and surprise-star Montreal goaltender Jaroslav Halak both performing brilliantly in the net for their teams. Fleury came up aces for the Pens, winning a hard-fought shutout against an extremely determined Montreal squad, 2-0. While it wasn't a shooting game (Fleury stopped just 18 shots, but some of those saves were definitely highlight-reel material), sometimes a great defensive game can be as entertaining as the 50-shot nights.

Both netminders held their opponents scoreless through 2 periods, until Sidney Crosby scrapped with former NY Ranger Scott Gomez near the close of the 2nd. Former Penguin Hal Gill got involved, and the ref sat him down. Pittsburgh would start the 3rd period on a power play.

Gill is possibly the slowest player in the NHL, but he is a tremendously effective shutdown defenseman, and he has shown in the last few games that he knows better than anyone how to hold off Crosby around the net. No superstar during regulation play, Gill is a steady go-to presence on the ice at playoff time. Not to mention, the guy is a monster. Standing 6-7 in his bare feet, Gill has the clear bulk advantage over the relatively small (5-11) Crosby, but what Crosby lacks in size, he more than makes up for with agility, speed, and skill.

During these playoffs, we haven't seen much of last year's Conn Smythe winner, Evgeni Malkin. Sometimes it seems to me that Malkin's like that kid in the Little League who's out in center field, woolgathering and blowing dandelion puffs into the wind. Sometimes he just doesn't seem all that engaged, either in the game or with his linemates, seemingly drifting in circles in the neutral zone. Then all of a sudden, a puck will skitter in his direction and you'll realize that Malkin's been there all along, biding his time. He'll seize the puck and galoomph down the ice with it, with his frankly ugly skating style (Malkin's all elbows and assholes when he's going end to end, I swear he looks like he's doing the Charleston) that makes you overlook the things that he's doing with his stick to control the puck. Seventy-six seconds into the 3rd period, off a pass from his compatriot Sergei Gonchar, Malkin sneaked a one-timer past a screening Crosby at Halak's net, scoring the first, and winning, goal of the game.

"First two power plays, we played not very good," Malkin said. "After second period, we talked a lot and we just moved the puck. Quick move of puck opened net and just shoot. Not too hard. Just move puck." His English exhausted, Malkin then resumed pointing and grunting.

The rest of the period was merely a waiting game. The Penguins just had to hold off the Habs for the rest of regulation, which they did, playing blue-collar defense to win the shutout for Fleury. There were a few confusing moments at the end of the period, as Jacques Martin couldn't seem to decide whether to pull Halak to put the sixth man on, or keep him in net. We saw a lot of Halak gliding back and forth between the Habs' bench and the goal crease, until he was pulled for good. Pittsburgh took the opportunity to steal the puck one last time, and Pascal Dupuis tapped in an empty-netter to close out the game.

If the rest of the series continues as it's started, with the team's marquee players being ground down by the opposition's defense, Round 3 will seem like a cakewalk to whichever team wins.

Still keeping an eye on PK Subban. Kid's really good.

Pens 2-Montreal 0

Pens lead the series 2-1.

Next game: Thursday at Montreal, 7pm on Versus

Game Day: Round 2, Game 2, Habs at Pittsburgh

So the geniuses at NBC scheduled a hockey game for 2 o'clock in the afternoon, causing me to cancel plans I had with my friend Nancy, and my apartment looks like a shithole anyway, so I can watch hockey while I clean my house. This really means that I will sit on my ass watching the game with the vacuum cleaner and Murphy's Oil Soap somewhere in my general vicinity.

After the spanking the Pens administered on Montreal on Friday night, complete with Bill Guerin's unnecessary and almost-but-not-really cruel empty-netter in the dwindling seconds of the game (hey, we're going to win this game anyway, let me skate slowly the length of the ice and give you this final kick in the ribs), I would bet that Halak will dress but not play today.

The Pens, having shut down the Habs penalty-kill machine that defeated Ovechkin and company, appear to have found their playoff gear, and though they're only 1 game into the series, they have all the tools for a sweep.

Hockey fact to make you feel smart: The "H" in the Canadiens' logo does not stand for "Habs." The official name of this Original Six team is "Le Club du Hockey de Canada," or something Quebecoise-Froggy like that. The "H" stands for "Hockey."

2nd Hockey fact to make you feel smart: "Habs" is short for "Les Habitants."

Don't know if Jordan Staal will play today after the Subban thing on Friday, so I'm off to Pensburgh, with trepidation, to get the practice report and find out who will make up our 3rd line.

UPDATE: 10 minutes later. The news is NOT GOOD about Jordan Staal. He had surgery to repair a tendon in his foot, but Dan Bylsma would not say that this will end his season. As Pensburgh points out, if it was a season-ending injury, there would be no reason not to say so, so we can only keep our fingers crossed. Frankly, I'm not optimistic.

Pittsburgh Penguins to Jaroslav Halak: "Hey, kid, get off my lawn!"

Something is up with the Penguins. They were 4-for-4 on the power play tonight. I thought maybe they fired the power play coach, Yeo, but he's on the bench with Dan Bylsma tonight. Maybe he got a little come-to-Jeebus talk.

Stat on the screen: highest point-per-game average in the playoffs:

Gretzky
Lemieux
Crosby
Malkin

Three Penguins and The Great One. Nice.

Sadly, Jordan Staal left the ice at the beginning of the 2nd period, after a weird collision with Habs hotshot rookie PK Subban. Looked like he took a skate across the foot, but of course, it will be listed generically as "lower body injury." Huge deficit for the Pens if he's out for any period of time because he's a very important player for the Pens, especially in the playoffs. He also hasn't missed a single game in his career due to injury, and I'd hate to see that streak broken.

Keep your eye on this Subban kid. He's really, really talented. A little rough around the edges, still, but he could make a real difference to a midleague team.

At one point badass Brooks Orpik was coming off the bench and you could read his lips very clearly: "I'm on Subban." So he is aware.

I don't know WHY Montreal waited until the Pens scored 5 goals before pulling Halak. The guy just played the game of his life on Wednesday night, dontcha think he might be a little tired?

It was really nice to see Sergei Gonchar looking like his old self again. I guess the old guy still has some gas in the tank.

As always, Sidney Crosby is simply magical to watch. There is just nothing he can't do. I am agog every time he gets the puck.

Annnnnd Billy Guerin closes it out with a casual empty-netter.

6-3 Penguins.

Tonight was a grinder's game: goals credited to Gonchar, Staal, Letang, Adams, Goligosky, Guerin.

NOVECHKIN

This man was a SUPERSTAR in the last 3 games of Round 1. Come Friday, I will want him dead.

Montreal Canadiens shocked the Washington Capitols in an EPIC Game 7 upset.

The worst team in the playoffs just routed and ousted the BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE in the first round.

Backed by insane defensive play, Habs goalie Jaroslav Halak Stood On His Head and stopped everything the Capitols threw at him. The last three games have been absolutely career-defining for Halak. He was breathtaking in the net last night. In the last three games of the series, Halak stopped 131 of 134 shots. If you don't know hockey, trust me, those numbers are insane.

NOTE: This is the last time you will hear Jane cheering for the Canadiens, as they go to Pittsburgh on Friday to take on Sidney Crosby and my Pens.

Can they stop Sid? Sid's a different animal than Ovechkin, which I wrote about in a prior post, and Sid's the more complete player. In fact, the Pens are a much more complete team than the Capitols.

In any case, I lift my glass to the Habs for providing one of the highlights of the first round, coming back from a 3-1 deficit, finding their swing, and taking out the biggest kid on the block. I'm sure this morning Washington is still sitting in the dirt, rubbing their jaws, and trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

If Montreal goes no further than this round (I pray), they will always be able to say, "We were on our heels, and we came back and we took out the Washington Capitols." Those are pretty sweet words.

On to Pittsburgh. Where they now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions, who have appeared in the last two Stanley Cup finals. I don't think this is a mountain the Habs can summit, but they are to be commended for making it to base camp 2.