I'm Aileen, and I'm Disgusting



My handful of faithful readers knows that I'm a big hockey fan.  I love me some Penguins hockey.  And I have my favorites on the team.

Sid's a fave, of course, and so's Geno, despite the fact that he's a funny-looking dude.  There are, of course, Max Talbot, and Pascal Dupuis (those eyelashes), but I guess, based on how many photos of him I've posted, you could say I'm mostly a fan of Jordan Staal.  I love all the Staal brothers, but mostly Jordan.

So I was poking around in Yahoo Sports, Puck Daddy, and noodling through some stats and photos to increase my Staal-edge, and came upon this image.

I thought it was kind of a cute pic, shirtless hockey player, yummy, haha, until I read somewhere that it was taken on NHL Draft Day in 2006 (this is unconfirmed).

On NHL Draft Day in 2006, Jordan Staal was 17.

I'm Aileen, and I'm disgusting.

Puck Bunny Link In Honor Of The First Day Of Regular Season Play

I'm a little embarrassed to link here.

This image is totally manipulated, 'cause Staalsy (6'4"), Geno (6'3") and Flower (6'2") are all so much taller than Sid (5'11").  New guy Mike Comrie's only 5'10" so there is that.

But dayum, those boys are just so cute.

30 Days

No reason for posting this photo other than it's a picture of Jordan Staal after he took a puck to the face, broke his nose, and kept playing. (I would require brown liquor and maybe something of the prescription variety) 6 foot 4 of hot Viking skating boy.  What can I say?  I'm cheap that way.

Just wanted to give you all a heads up -- the regular NHL season starts on October 7, 2010, which means that all of this feeling stuff may diminish somewhat, as I become a zombie to Versus, daydream over Sidney Crosby's kissable, corruptible pout, curse the day Alex Ovechkin was born while loving him at the same time, and wonder how Glen Sather still has a job unless he's blowing Jim Dolan.

My Pens play the Rangers at the Garden on November 29th, February 1st, and February 13th, and I intend to be there in my full obnoxious glory so everyone around me can chant "Crosby Sucks!" when I'm cheering.

Hooray for Hockey!

And I've got something much, much more exciting happening in a mere 7 days.

I'm Ready to Talk About the Heartache

We know how you feel, Jordan. Now come over here and let Mama make you feel better.

No, not that heartache. That one's for me and me alone.

I'm talking about the fact that my Penguins knocked themselves out of contention for another Cup in the 2nd round of the playoffs.

The Pens just didn't look like they were all there from the last handful of regular season games all the way through Rounds 1 and 2. Too many line changes, not enough chemistry between linemates (except when Geurin, Crosby, and Dupuis were matched up), Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar practically disappearing at times (hello? You guys are a couple of the highest-paid players in the League, you make a combined $14 mil a year, show up and EARN it, dammit!), Jordan Staal not getting the support on the wing that he needs and deserves, not to mention a potentially season-ending injury at the skate of PK Subban...I could go on and on, but the list is too depressing.

My friend Ed is a big Rangers fan, constantly frustrated, because in his words, "sometimes they go out and play like they're the best team in the NHL." He could have been talking about the Penguins. In fact, toward the end of the season, when I was scratching my head at the bush-league level of Pens play, he kept telling me not to lose faith. "They can lift their game at will," Ed told me. And occasionally we saw that happen. It just didn't happen often or consistently enough.

After playing over 300 games since the 2008-09 season, plus sending their 5 stars to the Olympics this year, the Penguins just didn't have enough gas left in the tank for a playoff run into the Cup final. Had they made it, it would have been on vapors, prayers, and with the assistance of angels.

Unfortunately, those things were in short supply this season in Pittsburgh, and the Penguins have packed up their lockers at Mellon Arena for the final time, to face a long summer of golf and soul-searching, to see what changes need to be made, and hopefully get enough rest for 2010-11.

Here are my thoroughly inexpert predictions for who we'll see and who we won't next season:

1) Cool your jets. Crosby, Malkin, and Staal are all staying put. They eat up a HUGE chunk of salary cap space, but c'mon, you've got a Richard trophy, a Conn Smythe trophy and a Selke finalist on your first three lines. Do you really think Ray Shero's gonna mess with them?

2) Sergei Gonchar is probably gone. He enters free agency this year, and the Pens really can't afford a $5 million dollar a year, 36-year-old defenseman who doesn't produce like he used to.

3) Bill Guerin -- gone. Billy G has been crucial to the Pens' success these past couple of seasons. But let's face it. He turns 40 in November. The old man has GOT to be plain exhausted. He can't go out and fight ALL the fights. In my fantasy, Bill puts on a tie and gets behind the bench to work on the Penguins' lame-ass Power Play. I know, it's a fantasy, but it's MY fantasy, and I can do whatever I want with it. Plus, I love Guerin in Pittsburgh. Handsome or not handsome (Bill is on that cusp of ugly-gorgeous), he raises the hotness quotient of the team immeasurably.

4) Ponikarovsky was an experiment that failed. Buh-bye.

5) I'm still on the fence about Jordan Leopold.

6) I guess I wasn't paying attention to Mike Rupp throughout the season, but then again, he might be one of those guys who steps up and shines in the playoffs. I mean, his first playoff goal, ever, won the Stanley Cup for the NJ Devils in 2003. So the kid's got something (kid! Hah! Guy's 30, which makes him a kid in my book but practically a senior citizen in the NHL.) Anyway, I loved his play in the playoffs, and for some reason I was really confused and got it in my head he was some kind of defenseman. Maybe it was because he plays without a shield on his helmet, maybe it was his broken-up face, maybe it was all the fights. Surprise! He's a working-class center. Keep him on the 4th line, I like him there.

7) Sigh. Matt Cooke. The player you hate to love. We have our own version of Sean Avery in the city of Three Rivers. Bad reputation but a more-than-competent, quick and agile playmaker. Shit! He was a real contributor to what little success the Pens managed to scrape up in these playoffs.

8) Fleury ain't going nowhere. Flower won the Stanley Cup. Had a so-so season and dismal playoffs, but he won us a Cup. That counts for something. Plus, he's just so purty.

Well, here's where I bid adieu to the Penguins for the season.

And let's hope for a Blackhawks-Canadiens Final. I'd love to see two Original Six teams battling down to the wire. And secretly, even though they destroyed the Washington Capitols and the Pittsburgh Penguins, I'm quietly rooting for the Habs.

They're scrappy.

And you know Jane loves her some scrappy.

Lest We Forget, the Penguins Lost to Montreal on Thursday Night

I know, I can't believe it either -- I didn't post about Thursday night's embarrassment of a hockey game, which the Penguins lost.

There were beers involved, what can I say?

The highlight of the game, for me, came when I thought I saw a ghost on the ice. Then I saw it again.

A Viking in a sweater emblazoned with the big double ones, which caused me to drop my drippy chicken wing and grab Ed's sleeve in my grubby paw and bounce up and down on my barstool, squealing like a teenager at a Justin Bieber mallstop.

"Staal! Staal! Staal's dressed! They're playing Staal!"

I agree with Pensburgh, this will become the stuff of Pittsburgh hockey legend. See, Staal took a skate blade across the top of his foot last Friday, and had surgery that night to repair a SEVERED TENDON. And he played 6 nights later? Come ON. That's heavy metal.

And fucking sexy as hell.

Staal IS the Gronk.

The Pens bring a 2-2 series back to Pittsburgh tonight. I must go out and get some Guinness for this, and see if Roni wants to come over and watch. You're invited, too.

Game Day: Round 2, Game 2, Habs at Pittsburgh

So the geniuses at NBC scheduled a hockey game for 2 o'clock in the afternoon, causing me to cancel plans I had with my friend Nancy, and my apartment looks like a shithole anyway, so I can watch hockey while I clean my house. This really means that I will sit on my ass watching the game with the vacuum cleaner and Murphy's Oil Soap somewhere in my general vicinity.

After the spanking the Pens administered on Montreal on Friday night, complete with Bill Guerin's unnecessary and almost-but-not-really cruel empty-netter in the dwindling seconds of the game (hey, we're going to win this game anyway, let me skate slowly the length of the ice and give you this final kick in the ribs), I would bet that Halak will dress but not play today.

The Pens, having shut down the Habs penalty-kill machine that defeated Ovechkin and company, appear to have found their playoff gear, and though they're only 1 game into the series, they have all the tools for a sweep.

Hockey fact to make you feel smart: The "H" in the Canadiens' logo does not stand for "Habs." The official name of this Original Six team is "Le Club du Hockey de Canada," or something Quebecoise-Froggy like that. The "H" stands for "Hockey."

2nd Hockey fact to make you feel smart: "Habs" is short for "Les Habitants."

Don't know if Jordan Staal will play today after the Subban thing on Friday, so I'm off to Pensburgh, with trepidation, to get the practice report and find out who will make up our 3rd line.

UPDATE: 10 minutes later. The news is NOT GOOD about Jordan Staal. He had surgery to repair a tendon in his foot, but Dan Bylsma would not say that this will end his season. As Pensburgh points out, if it was a season-ending injury, there would be no reason not to say so, so we can only keep our fingers crossed. Frankly, I'm not optimistic.

Pittsburgh Penguins to Jaroslav Halak: "Hey, kid, get off my lawn!"

Something is up with the Penguins. They were 4-for-4 on the power play tonight. I thought maybe they fired the power play coach, Yeo, but he's on the bench with Dan Bylsma tonight. Maybe he got a little come-to-Jeebus talk.

Stat on the screen: highest point-per-game average in the playoffs:

Gretzky
Lemieux
Crosby
Malkin

Three Penguins and The Great One. Nice.

Sadly, Jordan Staal left the ice at the beginning of the 2nd period, after a weird collision with Habs hotshot rookie PK Subban. Looked like he took a skate across the foot, but of course, it will be listed generically as "lower body injury." Huge deficit for the Pens if he's out for any period of time because he's a very important player for the Pens, especially in the playoffs. He also hasn't missed a single game in his career due to injury, and I'd hate to see that streak broken.

Keep your eye on this Subban kid. He's really, really talented. A little rough around the edges, still, but he could make a real difference to a midleague team.

At one point badass Brooks Orpik was coming off the bench and you could read his lips very clearly: "I'm on Subban." So he is aware.

I don't know WHY Montreal waited until the Pens scored 5 goals before pulling Halak. The guy just played the game of his life on Wednesday night, dontcha think he might be a little tired?

It was really nice to see Sergei Gonchar looking like his old self again. I guess the old guy still has some gas in the tank.

As always, Sidney Crosby is simply magical to watch. There is just nothing he can't do. I am agog every time he gets the puck.

Annnnnd Billy Guerin closes it out with a casual empty-netter.

6-3 Penguins.

Tonight was a grinder's game: goals credited to Gonchar, Staal, Letang, Adams, Goligosky, Guerin.

5 Reasons Jane Loves Hockey (Penguins Edition)

1. We have Sidney Crosby and You Don't. Get Over It.

I've been to enough New York Rangers games and watched enough hockey on TV to know -- you guys hate Sidney Crosby. No matter where the Pens play, you're sure to hear several rousing chants of, "Crosby Sucks!" and a chorus of boos when the puck so much as passes in his vicinity. Even in Canada, the land of inborn politesse, the opposing fans are shouting, "Crosby Sucks!"

The ugly truth is I know Sidney Crosby doesn't suck, and you know Sidney Crosby doesn't suck, and if, at the end of this season, Sidney Crosby demanded to be traded, you all would be lining up on your knees to polish his knob if you thought that would get him to come play for your team. Now fall on your knees and worship your hockey god.

Why else do you think Mario Lemieux makes him wear a doggie shock collar from October through April and keeps him chained in his basement like the Gimp during the off-season?

Wanna know how he got so good? Read this.





2. We Also Have Mario Lemieux and You Don't. Get Over It.

When the Penguins were bankrupt, their superstar Lemieux deferred his salary for a couple of seasons so they could keep playing. He probably could have packed up his skates and gone to a market that would pay him in actual money instead of just fan goodwill. Instead, he went to management and said, Look, you owe me 30 million bucks that I am probably never gonna see, and I love Pittsburgh, so why don't we just convert all that into ownership shares and you can call me the President?

Then, when the City of Pittsburgh blinked again on whether they could afford to keep the Pens around, Mario deked and flew to Kansas City (can you imagine? The Kansas City Penguins? My eyes! My eyes!) Of course, Mario probably just had a drink at the airport and got back on a plane home, but it didn't matter. Then he flirted shamelessly with Jim Balsillie, the Research in Motion guy who desperately wants to put a franchise in Hamilton Ontario, but the NHL shut that one down (they don't seem to like this Balsillie guy, because last year they denied his bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes, too. He must have fucked Bettman's daughter or something). These tactics worked and the Pens stayed around.

Friends, that's how love works. Hardball, scare tactics and ultimatums.




3. We have a Staal Brother and You Don't. Get Over It.

Four brothers in the biggest NHL dynasty since the Sutter boys, and we've got the best one. He was a 2nd round draft pick when he was something like 17, and on any other team he would be a first-line forward. (It says a lot about the depth of talent in Pittsburgh that this kid is a 3rd-liner, behind Crosby and Malkin) Great defensive forward, a finalist for the Selke Trophy this year, in fact, and the cutest of four Viking-giant (they are all something like 6'3" and taller.) sod farmers out of Sudbury.

He's the only towhead in a litter of redheads, but you can tell that Jordan Staal is a redhead, spiritually.

Hockey trivia to make you sound smart: His brothers are Marc (New York Rangers), Eric (Carolina Hurricanes), and Jared (Phoenix Coyotes). When there is a game with two of the brothers playing against each other, you can play a drinking game.

Shoot, they're all so effin cute I'll put up another picture.






4. Now that the Igloo is going away,

We will have the newest, shiniest hockey venue in the NHL, and it will probably have the best nickname EVER.

See, in this era of Corporate Naming Rights, companies pay lots and lots of money to franchises to have their names on the front of their buildings. The Igloo, or as it's now known, Mellon Arena, once had the lowly moniker The Civic Arena.

The new venue's naming rights have been bought and paid for by Consol, so it will be called the Consol Center or something like that. Now, Consol used to be called Consolidated Coal, but the branding people decided that people didn't want to get their power from a polluting, mountaintop-stripping environmental disaster of a company, so they changed the name to the bland and hygienic Consol. (For this reason I will soon be changing my name to The Virgin Mary. )

Pensburgh had a poll recently on what the new Consol Center should be called, and the near unanimous winner was The Goal Mine.

Geddit?

Hockey trivia to make you sound smart: the new area has 18,087 seats. I think they crammed those random 87 seats in there because Crosby wears number 87.

5. Three Stanley Cups. And Sidney Crosby. So shut the fuck up.