I Know I've Been Missing For Awhile

No, I haven't disappeared in the Facebook, and I continue to refuse to be a Twit(terer). I've just been preoccupied with other things. Work has been distracting, my old cat now has a diagnosis of high blood pressure requiring daily medication (blind, deaf, shaky in the legs with hypertension -- I swear my Dad has come back to reside in this fur person), and I just haven't had much to say.

I honestly think this cat is going to live to be 25. Someday you will see me featured on Huffington Post, I just know it. "Mambo, world's oldest cat, turns 25." Yikes.


Jack Skellington's Cat











Wait, I always have something to say...I just haven't been saying it on the Blog. Huh. I keep having ideas for blog posts then not writing them.

Besides, I think I have been quite admirably silent on the subject of Governor Quitter for long enough. Don't you know how HARD that has been for me?

Some of the ideas that came and went since October 22nd:



Did you really think I was going to put the actual book on my blog?

November was apparently "Special Olympics of Publishing" month, as half-a-retard Wasilla housewife Sarah Palin got a whole lot of trees murdered on her behalf. A book ghost-written for a maroon who doesn't think, to be bought by a whole lot of other maroons who can't read. But frankly, isn't it about time the white trash parts of America get a coffee table book to call their own?

But it does inspire me to suggest some holiday mischief for all you holiday Krampuses (or is that "Krampii?") At any rate -- go into your local Barnes and Noble or any big box bookstore and move the books around. Switch "The Nation's" version with the "not written by Sarah Palin but by her Ghost Writer Lynne Vincent" version. Move them one at a time to the bookshelf outside the store bathrooms. I have to confess to doing some variation on this petty vandalism every time I travel -- I move Glenn Beck's books around in airport bookstores, turn them upside down, or put two copies of someone else's book on top of his. Since most people who are looking for Sarah Palin's book have probably never been inside a bookstore before, it should be really easy to fool them.





If you look really closely, those two Penguins are Evgeni "Geno" Malkin and Sidney "Sidney" Crosby

I went to the NY Rangers game on November 30. That would be the one where they got totally spanked, and really hard with a wooden spoon drilled with holes, by my beloved Penguins. The Rangers have been on a bad slide after a strong start, mainly because they seem to be relying on Marian Gaborik to throw the entire team over his shoulder and fireman-carry them through the entire season. If he gets hurt they are TOAST. In other hockey news, Alex Ovechkin, who is probably the best player in the NHL -- I have to admit, that guy is an ANIMAL -- learned about karma the hard way, not only getting kneecapped and injured, but he earned a suspension in the bargain. Somewhere in Pittsburgh, Sergei Gonchar had to have said (like that Chinese guy in "The Hangover"), "see you later, muthafuckaaahhhh." Don't know if Ovie's back on the ice yet.




Apparently morning TV needs another Mommy.

No matter how much I try to like her for being the "liberal" voice on "Morning Joe," I find Mika Brzezinski completely annoying. She gets this purse-lipped puss on her face and climbs up onto her moral high horse where she wags her finger at Joe Scarborough and Mike Barnicle every morning. Blecch.




You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!


Bullet in the Eye, Back of the Garbage Truck. I have to admit to having this fantasy, folks. First, you have to imagine you hear the piano outro from "Layla" as background music. Then, long shot on a Cadillac. Pink. Camera moves in, to reveal two dead people in the front seat. Look, it's Dick and Liz Cheney! Fade to shot of refrigerator truck, move past frozen slabs of beef on hooks, to show another frozen solid corpse on a hook...Joe Lieberman! Last, but not least -- and "Layla" is still playing, folks, while Ray Liotta supplies our voiceover -- we see the garbage truck, churning its fetid refuse, turn out the bloated corpse, with a closeup on the bullet in the eye, of Glenn Beck! Ahhh, a girl can fantasize, can't she?


ET, phone home.

I saw "This is It," in November. I have to admit, in between marvelling, "That's a 51-year old man!" I wept several times. MJ was like some creature from another planet that we got to borrow for a little while. What a loss.


International Paper -- Drunk on Black Liquor

Last but not least before I check out and go to bed...if you want another group of corporations to be angry with, I say, go with American paper and pulp manufacturers. Not for the expected reasons (decimation of forests, replacing them with those heinous "managed forests") but because they are pocketing your tax dollars, to the tune of billions -- yes, that's billions with a "B" -- by exploiting a loophole in a bad piece of legislation. They're getting checks written to them by the IRS -- that's BILLIONS, folks -- for something called "black liquor." I suggest you check out a blog called Dead Tree Edition. And if you were wondering how Baucus and company got Snowe, just consider that the loophole is scheduled to close at the end of 2009, and Maine happens to be where an awful lot of pulp and paper is maufactured. Congressional back-scratching at its finest, folks. It makes me feel dirty.

Well, that's all I've got for tonight, folks. But just remember, black liquor.

Oh wait, one last thing: that 16-second "surprise kitty" video may be the cutest video EVER posted on youtube. I think it even beats the NY Lottery Sweet Millions commercials.