Pay attention!

Sat with a lot of stuff last night and tried to just pay attention, as Cheri advises.

Came to the realization that I am still really, really angry with someone and I need to just stay away from him for awhile until I'm finished being angry. Because I run the risk of creating an action or behaving from the anger (fear) rather than from a compassionate, centered place. Because I was transferring my anger to someone else who really doesn't matter in my life and who really doesn't merit that particular attention. Out of that anger I became defensive, which only fed the fuel of self-righteousness which I projected on to her. Out of that anger, I was feeling, as I sometimes do, backed into a corner and ready to come out with all of my claws flying.

When I'm in that state, I'm certainly impressive. Not likeable or harmonious. But certainly awesome and terrifying to behold. I think the term "vengeful goddess" may have been coined to describe me in that active angry state.

I bring my attention to one of the precepts: "Actualize harmony. Do not be angry."

Now. What most people would think about this is that you should paste a beatific smile on your face and pretend that everything is just okay. This is how most would interpret "do not be angry." But, the precept doesn't say "Do not GET angry." I interpret it to mean, don't act from an angry place. I allow myself to feel the anger as it passes through me, and pay attention to the sensations that arise with the anger. Notice: I'm feeling angry, but also, fearful, small, judged, less-than. Asking myself -- what am I afraid of? Who is making me feel small? Who is judging me? Whom do I feel less than? Noticing, as I've been taught, whose mind those thoughts formed in and whose mouth they came out of.

Noticing the angry thoughts with interest, "Oh, that's just a thought." Just another emotion. Like everything, it passes.

You know what? I don't know what someone else thinks of me. I only project what I think I know she thinks.

It sounds more convoluted than it is. Cheri calls it the double-reverse projection.

Well, If you're going to do something, even projection, at least do it with style. No simple projection for me, no sirree bob. Let me do the double-reverse projection. Maybe with a full twist thrown in.

Yikes.