My profile at okCupid seems to attract men of a certain age, generally in the 25-31 age range. What's up with these kids? I mean, actually, I know what's up with them. I ride the subway with their female contemporaries, so if I were them, I'd want to date me, too. Most of these young women, frankly, look like shit.
This does not mean I want to go out with guys who were in diapers when I was dressing for the prom.
So, clearly, my profile needs a re-write. I showed it to my office mate, and it was all TRUE, the classic-rock-and-Motown-loving thing, the book-reading thing, the loving-hockey thing, the I-play-guitar-badly-but-with-enthusiasm thing, and her response was (in a kind of unflattering way), "Wow, Aileen, you sound like the perfect woman." Well, thanks. I think.
So I took everything down a few weeks ago, except for some snark about wanting to meet a hot Brazilian who could teach me to samba. I DO want that, but I think I should probably have something else up besides that single sentence. Kind of limits the audience, know what I mean?
So here are the fields that need to be filled in on my profile, and I'm asking my tiny little audience of readers to contribute what they know about me. You can do it in the comments. I'm also taking this show on the road with the people who know me in person. I'm going to interview them about me. Like an obituary writer.
Have fun. You don't even have to be nice.
1) My Self-Summary -- this is the place where I'm supposed to say things like, "I'm as comfortable in jeans as at a black-tie affair. I love going out on the town AND staying home renting a movie. I want to take advantage of everything New York has to offer." You see that a lot in the shitty, boring profiles. I want to tap-dance like Liza Minelli on speed in this paragraph, people. Wire me up like her mama Judy.
2) I'm Really Good At -- it might be a little too much information to include my world-class fellatio skills here. As every writing teacher will tell you, write what you KNOW, people.
3) The First Things People Notice About Me -- There has to be something that you noticed that made you take a second look and that keeps you coming back. Even if it's only to stare at the wreckage and wonder, "How did she get through every day alive?"
4) My Favorite Books, Movie, Food -- I can fill this one out myself, but the perspicacious reader might have some ideas. Paula even quizzed me about my favorite writers a few years back.
5) The Six Things I Could Never Do Without -- ditto #4. Though I have some ideas. Garlic is high on the list. Keeps away the vampires.
6) I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About -- Come ON, this one's easy. Just don't be trite.
7) On a Typical Friday Night I Am -- not having as much wild fun as I used to, clearly. I think I should probably do this one myself. But if anyone has any ideas of what I should be doing on a typical Friday, as long as it doesn't involve playing World of Warcraft or furry games (I will consider the Princess Leia steel bikini for the right person), please provide your ideas. One of your ideas might be my next first date.
8) The Most Private Thing I Am Willing to Admit -- um, you guys DO know what color underwear I have on today, right? Oh, all right. I ate asparagus for lunch, but if you were in the next stall, you knew that.
9) I'm Looking For -- ooh, now this one is challenging. Is there any way to tell from all of my skull-cracking, dude-bashing, frankly contemptuous stance what it is I'm looking for? World peace? A two-state solution in the Middle East? No nukes? Equal pay for equal work?
10) You Should Message Me If -- what are the traits of the guy who isn't going to get a smackdown? Who will meet my challenging stare and I-see-your-bullshit gaze head-on?
Go on, will someone write my profile, PLEASE?
I don't have the energy anymore.
7 comments:
I have seen women put sex under "things I'm good at". But they don't call out specific acts.
They should, really. Call out what they're good at.
Because I think guys deserve to know if there's a good chance they will never, ever get another blow job once they've put an engagement ring on someone's finger.
Are you going to post a photo? IMO men will decide mostly on that and some very basic stuff if they want to contact you and not really read your witty stuff in great depth. So I would not write giant paragraphs. The MEN should write those because WE like that, but they generally don't because they're, well, men. See how upfucked this is already?
Anyway, I think a good first line for you is: "I do the NYT Sunday crossword puzzle in ink."
Maybe you can add "on the subway" if you don't think it lessens the impact. Try it both ways and see.
That's for the self-summary. One line that says it all: literate, smart, kick-ass, take no prisoners.
2) Put something practical (you mentioned things on Gekko's blog, I forget), something comforting (like being a good listener or whatever); and one sexy thing, but in a clever way. Three things, exactly.
3) ?
4) --
5) --
6) Metaphors for my analogies.
7) --
8) [I thought asparagus was a guy thing. :)]
9) The man who knows what the hell 56 down is [or fill in with something from a real puzzle].
10) You're ready for something different.
Oh goody, thanks for the ideers, Paula!
Oh, there are always photos on my profile. And they're current, too! (Do people think we can't tell when a photo is 10+ years old? DUDE! You are sporting a MULLET!)
LOVE your answer for #6 and #9
My answer to #10 used to be, "You're not a stalker." Sometimes I go a little overboard on trying to be funny, I know.
The tough part, and I don't know why this is in NYC, is finding unmarried smarty-pants guys who like sports. I mean, when you have to explain to someone who Derek Jeter or Lance Armstrong is, that's a problem. (Do they live under rocks or something?) I'm not looking for someone to talk to me about the finer points of the Gonchar trade to Ottawa, just someone who might want to go to MSG, eat a few hot dogs, drink a few beers, and watch a hockey game while idly throwing out humorous literary or rock and roll references. My pal Ace is great for that, but alas, he's married. (I really missed the boat on that one, and no, it's not weird for me to put that up since he comments here, because I've TOLD him I missed the boat on that one!)
Wait, maybe I need to put that part into my profile....
Let me combine the two. Wasn't Lance Armstrong the one who used to date Sheryl Crow (see--sports and a rock & roll reference in one comment)?
I appreciate that boost to my ego, but I think you were a bit pre-occupied with firefighters and MK back in the day, not that there was anything wrong with that.
Ace
Aha! So my wife's thoroughly confident protestations notwithstanding (and excuse me for getting personal all over your blog here), it is NOT seriously abnormal for married men to have platonic single women friends. I KNEW it? See? Ha ha ha ha haaaa. All's I need is about four hundred more examples to make my case.
Would it help if I gave you a list of references of my married/coupled male friends? It would be your four hundred examples -- involving multiple guys and ONE woman (me).
You can tell her, see, she sleeps with this ONE married guy. The rest she's all friends with.
Wait, you probably want to leave out the first part.
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