I've spent my life sort of dancing on the fringes of things -- sort of in the circle, but not quite all the way in. I dip my toe in the water, but keep one foot safely on the shore in case I have to make a run for it. (Come to think of it, I do always have my passport with me...)
It's a kind of emotional Hokey Pokey, where I'm quite enthusiastic about putting my right foot in, and my right foot out, then wholeheartedly shaking it all about. But...
When we get to that part of the song that goes, "You put your WHOLE SELF in, you take your WHOLE SELF out, you put your WHOLE SELF in...." Well, that's when my psyche throws up its hands, mops its brow and says, "Whew! Am I bushed! Do I need a refreshment! Which way to the bar?" And smiling (always smiling, always smiling), I back out of the circle away from the people around me who are clearly less neurotic than I am, or at least better at hiding it.
A trained therapist would say this stems from my fears of intimacy, relationships and committment.
He or she would probably be right.
But hey, every day, the dance gets a little more uninhibited and I get a little closer to the middle of the circle.
It's baby steps, kid. Baby steps.
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