Get 12 good hours of sleep. Wake refreshed. Have two cups of coffee and a frozen-banana-blueberry smoothie. Don't speak for the first six hours you are awake. Take a long shower and exfoliate your skin. Pumice the bottom of your feet and rub them with peppermint lotion. Masturbate. But not with the peppermint lotion. Clean your hardwood floors. Take a call from an old boyfriend who still makes you laugh. Change your hair color -- slightly. Put on makeup and a low-cut white shirt, your favorite jeans that you will have to retire soon because happily, they are too big, a pair of Frye boots and your favorite belt with the salad-plate sized buckle. Don't blow dry your hair. Take the subway to Lincoln Center to see a free concert of 200 Guitars. Don't feel bad bailing early because it was not what you expected (honestly, it's Lincoln Center -- you were expecting "Layla" and a wall of Marshalls?). Walk to Times Square and catch a subway back home. Make yourself a cheese and sausage omelet and eat it in front of the television in your pajamas. Vow that the only news you will watch tonight will be Weekend Update on SNL.
Now you don't feel so crummy about the world.
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