So why am I so not very excited?
1) I don't know where my expired passport is. I remember finding it, and my birth certificate a couple of years ago, and putting both in a "safe" place. Apparently, they are now both safe from me.
2) Why is my passport expired, you ask? Because I've never really traveled out of the country, other than vacations to Bermuda, Puerto Rico (doesn't count as leaving the country -- it barely counts as leaving New York) and Canada (again, doesn't really count if you don't leave the land mass you were born on). I've always approached international travel from an "I've been to New York City, why would I want to go anywhere else?" perspective, and I'm vaguely ashamed that I am 46 years old and I haven't BEEN anywhere. Not even England or Ireland, where they speak a reasonable facsimile of English as I know it. Hey, I've fucked people from England and Ireland, does that count?
3) I'm so fucking broke all the time, that big travel is just not in my budget now or in the forseeable future. And the prospect of a free trip to Italy should excite me, but the idea that I will be in Milan without possessing an American Express card just leaves me ineffably glum.
4) I don't speak Italian, and I will be expected to communicate important information regarding my job, to Italians. Here's the sum total of what I know how to say in Italian besides "ciao!"
"Chi e quel ragazzo?"
This is a cute party trick when hanging out with my gay Italian friend from Bensonhurst, or if I happened to be single, but for navigating my way through an airport or taxi queue, or checking into a hotel, it's no great shakes and may in fact cause me no end of agita. Wait, there's another Italian word that I know! Agita!
5) I'm secretly terrified that al Qaeda will choose Christmas week to make a statement and blow up an international transoceanic flight, and that the only thing that will be recovered of my earthly remains will be a one-quart Ziploc bag full of hotel-sized Aveda shampoo bottles.
6) Christmas? I gotta travel overseas at Christmas? Then I sort of shrug my shoulders and tell myself, "Oh, well, it's not like I have anything special planned for Christmas," and that makes me sad, like I'm some spinster with a cat and a family who makes her crazy and no parents to call on Christmas Day anymore.
* * * * * * * * * *
And in the meantime, I'm struggling, my bloggy pals, to navigate the unfamiliar shoreline of "being in a relationship," and I swear to God I am having a really hard time with it. Am I just too set in my ways?
I am having boundary issues, as I believe there should be some boundaries, and places that we don't need to go, but this seems to be counter to a commitment made to "openness and honesty and truth."
See, I feel that beyond OH&T, there's this weird no-man's land called, "More Information Than I Wanted or Needed." That boundary is porous, I know, which means it needs to be navigated with extreme care and delicacy. When I express any discomfort with a breach of that emotional DMZ, I then start to feel like a) a huge prude, b) a huge bitch, or worst of all c) some kind pf crazy person when I openly, and honestly, and truthfully say what is on my mind, which may entail some awful Bad Thought, which I immediately assume must mean I'm a Bad Person, and really, people, how could anyone possibly love anyone as awful as me?
Look, I'm a handful, I know, and I've reached a point in my life where I have no interest in playing games, and I really don't have time to be bullshit, but Christ Alfuckingmighty, sometimes the "not bullshit" Aileen is someone even I can't stand to be around.
Plus, someone told me today, in words said out loud, to "shut up," and it hurt my feelings, and now I'm looking around in the shed for a crowbar or a Hurst Tool because as soon as I heard it, something inside me slammed shut with a nearly audible "clang" and I'm turtling a little bit.
Jesus, how do people do this? I'm smart, and yet I can't seem to stop fucking up or holding on the tiller of this boat while navigating it straight onto the rocks.
7 comments:
Milano! I LOVE that place! You will have the best time because Milan is a center of the fashion world and you will be a LION in it and the wonderful Italian hospitality will make you a QUEEN lion. I envy. I went on business a couple times (or three?) and it was great but engineering is out on the edges, to be in on it in Milan you need to be in fashion. And you are. They will love you and you them.
Unless it's a cutthroat business but, c'mon. Fashion? Cutthroat?
Don't know who can help with the other stuff. I was always comfortable being intimate. It's getting from total stranger to intimate that is my biggest challenge. Everyone's mileage varies anyway.
I'm just chuffed you get to go to Milan. Forget the lost and expired passport. Just get started on getting a new one RIGHT AWAY. Don't waste a minute.
I think I will stop eating between now and December 20th so I am not That Big Fat American Woman! I'm already planning my outfits, do you believe it? Since my winter wardrobe seems to consist of black, red, and gray turtlenecks, I think a couple pairs of good pants and a skirt plus a pair of excellent boots should be fine. Somehow I think my face will blend right in with the local scenery...
I'm excited about your trip for you! But I'm also sad you won't get to spend money on souvenirs and stuff. Yah, get a new passport.
Relationships are hard, yah. I figured all I needed to do was find the right person and then I could immediately shrug off every Bad Thing from the past like a yucky old coat, but it doesn't work that way. By some miracle everything keeps being OK anyway.
I don't know how people do it. Not sure how I'm doing it...
Oh, I don't really have boundaries, will tell pretty much anything if he asks because I trust him completely and have from the start. Not sure why I did either, but it proved true.
Turns out nothing is really perfect, including relationships, but they are definitely worth having. It is a constant balancing act between selfishness and sacrifice. Then you add kids to the mix...
There is nothing to figure out because the right relationship evolves and develops its own rules if you truly want to be together for the long haul. That's all I've got, because generally I go with it. You love each each other, you do stuff with them and occasionally still get to do stuff for yourself. And I'm still working at it after 16 years.
Like this week for example. I saw Roger Waters on Wednesday, got some dinner with Sandy on Friday etc., watched Zack & Ben play soccer Saturday morning, missed Coney Island debauchery, went with Sandy and the boys to watch MegaMind (really, you can learn to appreciate 3-D cartoon movies,)played 2 on 1 kickball (shockingly I lost 15-7)while missing the 1st half of the Giant game, then watched the rest of the Giant game and Boardwalk Empire. Not all my choices, but enough of 'em.
As for Milan, get very excited. Especially on someone else's dime. Sneak in Rome or Venice if you can.
Oh yeah, Venice. From Milan the train trip is not very long and the ferroviaria in Venice is right on the canal. Make it a day trip.
If they are business folks, they'll speak English. Milano is an international city, so's Venezia, used to tourists. Somebody will speak English.
I haven't tried it myself, but I'm told that trains still run well in Italy and are a great way to travel.
And, boy, would I love to join you! :-) Enjoy!
Only ever saw Rome. Think Milan would be nice, but kinda hoping for some day Tuscany cuz of that stupid chick flick.
Relationship. My A number 1 commitment is to be myself. And when that means telling someone he's overstepped *my* boundaries, I tell him, in a way I feel he will accept readily. I expect him to tell me when I've stepped over, too. Less stress and second guessing that way. No holding things in and letting them build up pressure inside.
Everybody fucks up. The easiest way, I've decided, is to admit it and move on, having learned the lesson. I'll let you know if that stops working for me.
So far, so good.
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