I, The Jury

Folks, your Janey got picked! Gosh darnit! I was so sure that I would be in and out in 1 day, and well, true to my Instant Karma, at the end of DAY 2, I was picked. I won't say any more until after the case is over, suffice it to say I will be out for several more days.

So far, there's a whole lot of sitting and waiting, and looking at people, and doing crossword puzzles and reading the paper. Which, of course, is the perfect opportunity for a few random thoughts:

1) If you are going to buy one of those do-it-yourself eyebrow kits at Duane Reade, you are now officially warned that your eyebrows are not going to turn out like this:










You are going to look like this:




















2. It's a really lucky thing for Albert Pujols that he's good-looking AND a major league baseball player. Otherwise, he's just a poor schmuck named "Pujols."



3. Why are people flipping out over this:



















more than they flipped out over this:





In our culture of countdowns to age 18 and the oversexualization of teenaged girls, I don't see how showing that a teenager is fuckable is worse than gestational proof that a teenager was actually fucking.

Besides, I think the Annie Liebowitz photo is beautiful and everyone needs to untwist their knickers.





4. I always knew Roger Clemens was a dick. I never trust guys whose eyes are too close together. (ref: Jason Giambi)

Jingle All The Way

I have a porous brain that sucks in everything the media has to offer and every now and again, something will give it a squeeze and these... things ... will come dribbling out. I've been known to randomly shout "WWWIZARD!" But usually, it's a commercial jingle, and more likely than not, it's the last commercial I heard before I left the house that morning.

These musical squeezes frequently earn me the Random Evil Song Planting award from my co-workers.

I'll be sitting at my desk, toiling away at some complicated printing estimate, and a song will be running through my brain like an underground stream (for some reason, I work better if there's a soft undercurrent of music, even if it's only in my own head). And like an underground stream, it will inevitably have to surface at some point.

One in particular was planted by a friend who admitted his own obsession with it a couple weeks ago. I guess it stuck subliminally, because yesterday, the underground stream emerged thusly:

"FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOTLOOOONG!"

Make it stop!

I guess it could be worse. That one actually has an interesting and surprising chord change. The worst are the ones that have you singing a damn phone number all day long. YOU know the ones -- "1-800-em ay tee tee ARE ee ess!" "800-five-eight-eight-two three hundred, EMPIRE!" and the worst ever, "877-three-nine-three, FOUR, FOUR, FOUR EIGHT!" (That one nearly got me killed by my cubemates)

Damn jingles.

You Haven't Lived Yet

I've noticed that the memoir tables at Barnes and Noble are getting bigger and bigger, and as I browse the back covers and look at the authors' photographs, I'm struck by their dewy-eyed, unwrinkled youth. I have to say, I'm perplexed. What 25 year old has had a life so chock full of events that it merits a book contract? I mean, at 25, your life just isn't that interesting.

Is there such a dearth of good fiction writers out there that "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" now constitutes a turn-on for the publishing industry?

Sigh.

Chris Jones Made Me Cry in Public

This is the best magazine article I've read in a long time.

Read it. I can't say anything about it because it speaks for itself.

But Chris Jones needs to win an award for this amazing piece of journalism.

Lame Duck

I wonder what the thought process was.

"Do-do-dooo. I'm lame duck. I don't have much to do. Let Barack worry about this pesky war and $120 a barrel oil and this economy that's in the toilet. I've got all this free time, I think I'll go on a game show!"

Are you f-in kidding me????

I think a quote from Chris Rock is appropriate here: "And for those doubters out there who keep askin', 'Is America ready for a black president?' I say, 'Why not? We just had a retarded one!'"

Video of the Day

Two words: Cat Yodeling!