You know the state of fashion is in bad shape when I am routinely puzzled by some of the getups I see walking around in New York. I mean, you live in New York F-in' City, one of the fashion capitals of the world -- at least TRY, for god's sake.
It's true, I work in a fashion hothouse. Very few people come to work and just look nice. These women costume themselves every morning. Somehow, thankfully, my plain-Jane look melts me into the wallpaper, so my glaring lack of fashion sense, in the "fashion" sense of the word, is overshadowed by the glittering blonde butterflies who alight next to me in meetings. Truth be told, I'm just too old and lazy to try that hard, and have been for years. A good pair of boot cut jeans and a great turtleneck sweater -- that's my fall-winter-spring uniform. (By "great," I mean "not some shapeless, sexless Land's End cotton schmatte.") Oh, and of course, my Frye Boots. It suits my nature. Somehow, I think it kinda works. I've been told I dress "very L*****."
That being said, I somehow delude myself into thinking I can now comment on the non-fashion that I'm subjected to every day. Herewith, 10 of Jane's Fashion Tips and Observations:
1) Pants or a dress. CHOOSE ONE!
2) Lose this tote. It is just tired, tired, tired, and unless you're a personal trainer, too casual for everyday. Buy yourself a medium sized chic handbag. I happen to own this one, which I found after searching for a new black purse for a year and finding only hard, shiny, cheap-looking bags all junked-up with silver studs and large enough to carry a toddler, which annoys me and everyone else trying to navigate the subways. This one looks great, doesn't flash its designer name in invitation to snatchers, and holds my 13" laptop comfortably. I love it. If you knew how little I paid for it, you would probably want to beat me up. Oh, yeah, it goes great with my boots.
3) You know that little "X" of thread at the bottom of your skirt? Those are called "whipstitches" and garment manufacturers put them there so your skirt will keep its shape while it's on the boat from Indonesia. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CUT THEM OFF AFTER YOU GET YOUR SKIRT HOME, nitwit. I learned this when I bought my first serious interview suit after college (a navy blue double breasted Evan Picone, which in 198- was very fashionable, though I cringe now and think, "Double breasted? Agggh!" I looked like a minor mafiosa, but I thought I looked grrreat. ) Maybe young women just aren't wearing as many suits as they used to, but I see this at least once a week.
4) For you young men: That label on the sleeve is not an accessory. It's there so the salesman at the Men's Wearhouse can find your size. It's another thing you're supposed to cut off and get rid of before you leave the house.
4, the sequel) I know it's probably the first suit you've ever bought, but lose the flat-brimmed Yankee cap in gang colors. It's not adding anything to that air of businesslike sobriety you're trying to cultivate.
5) Those oversized hoodie sweatshirts with patterns all over them are just butt-fuckin ugly, man.
6) "She has a real sense of style," is never said about a woman whose primary wardrobe source is Ann Taylor. Except maybe by guys wearing pleated Dockers.
7) Just because it's fashionable doesn't mean you have to wear it. Are you short, chunky, Yugoslavian-calved women aware that tucking your jeans into your boots cuts your legline
in half and makes you look shorter, chunkier, and Hunkier?
8) Most women need a visit to an experienced bra-fitter. A good bra is essential to avoiding the dreaded quadraboobs and back fat over-under rolls. And ladies? Save that filmy unlined bra for going out or for your boyfriend. Your nipples aren't going to get you promoted. Own your sexuality after 5 o'clock.
9) More than one earring in each ear? Welcome to the secretarial pool!
10) Just because you have squeezed your ample bottom into size 6 jeans, it doesn't mean you are actually a size 6. Buy jeans that fit. Or a mirror. The last thing I need at eye level when I'm sitting on the subway at 8 am are your muffin tops and cameltoe.
Now, I have to pick out tomorrow's turtleneck.
1 comment:
From the white trash fashion dept. - people who leave those little tags on the little chain on their boots and handbags that's embossed "genuine leather."
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