Watching Too Much Television

Since I hate those sanctimonious pricks who walks around saying "Oh, I never watch television," (while at the same time being able to comment in a detailed fashion on what happened on "Desperate Housewives" last night), I'll confess that since losing my job I've probably watched more television than most of you have in your lives.

I've always owned up to the fact that I love watching television and have on occasion spent 10 or 12-hours on a showerless Saturday watching "The Sopranos" on HBO OnDemand. I'm talking: wake up, make coffee, turn on OnDemand, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes in pajamas, make pancakes and bacon, think about brushing teeth, watch more episodes, wash dishes, watch more episodes, eat leftovers for dinner, smoke more cigarettes, watch more episodes, wash dishes, brush dingleberries out of cat's pantaloons, smoke, think again about brushing teeth, watch more episodes, go to bed with dirty teeth.

Aside: A True Sopranos Fan will note that this post is titled after a Season 4 episode. I would have worked in the title of my favorite episode of all time, but since this is a post about TV, "Pine Barrens" just wouldn't have had the same ring.

So here are my musings on TV for the unemployed, Video Crack.

A show that I NEVER, EVER, NOT ONCE, watched while it was on during primetime, has accidentally become one of my favorite afternoon breaks. (Gotta love that TNT Primetime in the Daytime). Give it up for Charmed, ladies and gentlemen! I like it against my will. I mean come ON -- three brunettes with magical powers kicking ass for good? That's right up my alley. Though I have to admit that in the later seasons, the addition of the dipshitty Billie and her equally dipshitty sister Kristy must have been the original fans' jump-the-shark moment. Kristy is supposed to be simmering with rage or something, and all I get from her expression is vaguely frustrated constipation.

Next, there are reality TV assholes and then there are reality TV assholes. Up till recently, my very favorite reality TV asshole was Assahola, I mean, Omarosa, on the first season of The Apprentice. There were some halfway decent contenders on other shows in the intervening years, but most only reached the level of "slightly irritating" rather than "complete asshole." But two have really caught my attention recently, and I'm tickled to anoint them 2007's first great Reality TV Assholes.

First, we have Becky on The Agency, who, it appears, is chronically late, frequently and blatantly insubordinate to her boss, and quite clearly an alcoholic. This woman takes "Workplace Asshole" to new levels, and I spend the 1/2 hour of the show wishing Pink would throw her skanky Limey ass down a flight of stairs. But, I take comfort in the fact that her behavior is out there on national television and that alone might be enough to ensure that she never works in fashion again. Hi, here's my resume, right there on VH1. Watch, here's where I overslept because I was drunk and was an hour late for a meeting. Here's where I demonstrate my team-building skills by badmouthing my boss behind his back. And here's where I attack my boss for reprimanding me when I was clearly in the wrong. What Becky needs is a good spanking, and I'm not talking the good kind. I'm talking nuns with wooden paddles with holes drilled in them. Please, someone, pick me to do it.

And second, there's Renee on Cycle 8 of America's Next Top Model. She's the girl who repeatedly talks smack and stabs the other girls in the back, then cries on the phone to her husband that they aren't nice to her. She has, in her life, apparently mastered not only the art of being a sore loser, she's even a bitch when she succeeds at something. I often wonder why men put up with women like this, then I remember that she is pretty enough to be on a modeling show, and we all know, people, that for 99% of men, "Hot Piece of Tail" offsets a whooooole lot of crazy. This girl makes you want to use the C-word. Seriously.

And don't say "Janice Dickinson" to me, because while she is often crazy, inappropriately outspoken and has a big mouth, somehow you see that under all the Botox and plastic surgery a kind heart, a loving mother, and a broken little girl. Janice, I can't help liking you!

Coming up on "Watching Too Much Television" -- why I love Tyra Banks.