I work really hard and am extremely well-paid at a soul-destroying job for this one reason: So I can go out and enjoy my life in New York City. Yes, I know, I sold my soul for thirty pieces of silver, but that's a topic for another day...
This means that I want to go to restaurants and bars and museums and movies and basically do what I want whenever I feel like it. Since I started the aforementioned SDJ in May, that's pretty much what I do. Because having a lively and active social life is what makes the SDJ worthwhile.
Now, I've been in this town (with the 1-year High Country Hiatus) since 1988. And I swear, the quality of people working in the service industry has been diminishing steadily since I got here. Remember when all those out of work actors and actresses were HAPPY to serve you? Well? Folks, they've been replaced by the disgruntled former web brats who lost their jobs when the bottom dropped out of the market six years ago. Honestly, there has never been a 22-year-old college graduate who was worth $100,000 a year, but for those few years, there were an awful lot of them around. And by sheer virtue of the fact that someone was willing to pay them $100,000 a year, they gained an inflated sense of their own worth, only to be bitch-slapped into reality when the stock market all but crashed in 2000.
So now. There are an awful lot of disgruntled and disenfranchised web babies or spoiled daddy's boys and girls out there waiting tables. And they are facing up to the hard reality of the service industry: it's hard work. It's backbreaking and the job is chock full of assholes who don't know how to behave in restaurants and bars. Yes, I acknowledge that most people don't know the first thing about how to be a good customer, either. Perhaps they were raised by wolves. Their mamas certainly didn't teach them any manners, either (these are the ones who snap their fingers at waiters and waitresses like they are dogs, don't make eye contact with the wait staff, act as if the bus staff is invisible, etc., etc., etc. Note, gentlemen: If we are out on a date and I see that you are not very nice to the waiter/waitress, that means that you are not a very nice person. I'm paying attention to that.)
I know that in many, many ways, and in many areas of my life, I am a HUGE pain in the ass. But when it comes to being the customer, I'm great. I'm fucking Gandhi in a restaurant.
I know that you are busting your asses for not very much money. I know that the proportion of assholes you encounter is far higher than nice customers. And I try to behave accordingly. I acknowledge wait staff, be it in a diner or at the Four Season, as fellow members of the human race. That means eye contact and good manners. I am never abusive or mean. I have never once in my life sent back a plate of food, though I once did send back a glass of red wine that had turned to vinegar. To top it all off, every meal STARTS with me at the 20-25% tipping range. When I return to a restaurant after my initial good visit, I want the wait staff to trip over themselves and get into fistfights to serve me because they know a nice fat wad of cash is going to be in their hands after I leave. (Yes, this means I always tip in cash, so you don't have to give it all to your friends at the Eye Are Ess.)
Bartenders love me because unlike most women (yes, I will stereotype, because after all, as everyone knows, stereotypes don't get invented out of the air), if you make me a $9 martini, I'm throwin' down an extra single or two on top of the $1 change.
But lately, it seems I'm seeing a decline in service levels OVERALL, no matter where I go.
Is it a training issue? Restaurateurs, take note of these things. Readers, if your friends are waiters, waitresses, bartenders, or owner/operators, please, please pass this on. Their tips will go up. They will be happier little waitrons, and give better service to their customers. Trust me.
It's just one little customer's rant.
1) You are working in a restaurant to serve me. I am paying not just for food, but to be served. This means, you act pleased to be doing the job for which you have been hired. If you are going to act like I am bothering you when I ask for another napkin or more bread, perhaps you should get a job at McDonald's where they are REQUIRED to be pleasant. Surly Service TIP PENALTY: you are docked immediately back to a flat 15% on the tab BEFORE you've added the tax.
2) Learn the proper way to pour a glass of wine. This is not a fraternity party. If I am ordering a $40 bottle of wine with dinner, it shouldn't be emptied on two glasses. True Story: I was at DuMont, in Williamsburg, and my companion and I watched in horror as the waitress filled my wine glass to within 1/8" of the rim. This is, clearly, nothing more than a training issue. A bottle of wine for two people is four glasses over the course of dinner. You are not trying to get me drunk and get me to go home with you. I want to savor my wine. Not guzzle it. Pour with dignity and restraint. TIP PENALTY: I won't dock for this the first time it happens, but I will smile and tell you not to pour with a heavy hand. You just don't know. If I come back and you do it again, instant 5% less.
3) Yes, I do want my change. Two incidents at Mo Pitkin's in the past two months. One night, I had an $18 bar tab. The bartender took my $20 bill -- and never came back. I waited, and waited, and waited. And he never came back. Now, keeping in mind the aforementioned tip amount that I start at -- I was all set to give him the fiver I had in my hand. But, since he decided that he was going to decide what his own tip was, I decided to go with it. Congratulations buddy, you not only cheated yourself out of a 25% tip, but any and all future goodwill that may have existed between us was destroyed. The other night at Mo Pitkin's (again, why do I go back? Occasionally they have pretty good live music downstairs in the back) - a $26 tab came my way. I handed the waiter two twenties. He looked at the money, looked at me, and with a perfectly straight face, asked, "Do you want change?" My response was, of course, "Uh, yeah." Restaurant owners, tell your staff when you hire them, asking a customer "Do you want change?" is a fireable offense. Allowing them to say that is tantamount to them saying, "Well, I've worked as hard as I'm going to with you guys, so now I'm too lazy to walk back to the cash register to get the money that is coming back to you." TIP PENALTY FOR THIS OFFENSE: Immediately docked by 10%.
4) I'm really lucky in that I am friends with many good looking people. My friends are also of the gregarious sort. This does not mean that we want you to hang out next to our table and have long conversations about the state of Congress in 2006. Make pleasant conversation and move on. If you want to hit on my date, do it later, in a bar, on your own time and on your own dime. You just don't know which of us is the one picking up the tab. If it's me, and you've spent fifteen minutes chatting with my date, girly, you can pretty much kiss anything more than a flat fifteen goodbye. If my date is any bit responsive to you, you're getting 10, I don't care how good the service was otherwise.
5) As a corollary to number 4, if it looks like we are in the middle of a really intense conversation (i.e. if either one of us is crying, looks like we're ready to kiss the other one, you overhear the words, "my wife," "divorce," "murder," etc.), don't steamroll up to the table with your cheery little "And how is everything here?" Pay attention and pick your moment.
Well, that's just a little taste of what I've been seeing out there in the restaurant world. Would love to hear others' experiences...
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