"I need to sit here. Wait, I'm small. See? I'm small. Look, your chest is the perfect size for me to sit on. Am I blocking your view of your blackberry? How is that possible? I'm small."
Monday, September 28, 2009
Inner Monologue: The Little Cat
"I need to sit here. Wait, I'm small. See? I'm small. Look, your chest is the perfect size for me to sit on. Am I blocking your view of your blackberry? How is that possible? I'm small."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Logrolling Off of Archer: More About Air Travel
Why is it news that the airlines are charging a whopping $10 more to fly the Sunday after Thanksgiving? Because it's an opportunity to show airline customers kvetching about ten bucks and whining about how the evil airlines are gouging them with fees?
As far as I can remember, the airlines have always charged a little more to.travel on high-volume days. It's basic supply and demand, folks -- on the days that everyone wants to travel, the airline takes advantage of the scarcity of seats to up their revenue a little bit. What's wrong with that? You want a cheaper ticket? Take another half day off from work and travel at 10am on the following Monday. You'll pay less and probably have the added bonus of a flight that isn't packed to the rafters with screaming kids and armrest-hogging fatsos. Hell, you may even get a row to yourself.
And no whining about how dismal the flying experience is. Of course it sucks. It sucks because everyone has gotten so used to paying 300 bucks for a round-trip JFK-LAX ticket that the airlines are backed into the corner of eliminating your bag of Chex Mix and charging you to check a bag just to stay financially afloat for another month. You wanted to pay the equivalent of bus fare to jet cross-country in a few hours? Then a bus ride is what you'll get.
Last week I went online to see what flights I wanted to take for my upcoming trip to LA, and yes, there were round-trip fares as low as $300. Then I clicked over to business class fares and the price jumped to $2500-$3000. First class was something like 5 grand. I've taken those flights before, and they are always full. So those thirty or so passengers in first and business class represent about 2-3x the gross revenue of the 150 passengers in coach.
I've been fortunate enough to fly business class to California for work, and I'm well aware that I won't arrive any faster than someone in coach, I have to use the same crappy, cramped bathroom, and I'm breathing the same stale recycled air as everyone else. You want to know what that extra two+ grand bought my company? The "privilege" of boarding the aircraft early (so I can sit in the tin tube even longer!), no checked baggage fees, or even better, plentiful overhead space so I needn't worry about checked bags, all the liquor I might want, gratis, a nice hot 3-course meal with real silverware, one of those personal video thingamajigs, and best of all, a seat that reclines nearly all the way, so after I've drunk myself into a stupor over breakfast I can pass out for the rest of the flight. Oh, and the warm nuts. Don't forget about the warm nuts. You can add that up as many times as you want, it still doesn't add up to 2 grand's worth of extras. Where does the rest of it go? As far as I can remember, no one's ever come around offering hand jobs up there in business or first, so it must be subsidizing all those $150-per-leg seats back in coach. Not to mention paying the flight crew's paltry salaries, maintenance and fuel costs, ground staff at both ends, baggage handlers, airport tariffs, and those aggravating TSA agents who want to confiscate my Jergen's and nail clippers.
I watched a show on cable (can't remember which channel, maybe CNBC?) "Inside American Airlines" and they ran down the numbers on one of those JFK-LAX round trips, and at the end of the day, the total profit for the airline for that particular aircraft was something like 200 bucks.
So you know what? Stop acting like flying cross-country is a basic human right that is being insulted by an airline charging you $3 for a can of Pringles or $10 because you want to fly on the busiest travel weekend of the year.. If you want a better flying experience, put your money where your mouth is and buy it. Are you willing to pay a couple hundred dollars more for your ticket?
I didn't think so.
As far as I can remember, the airlines have always charged a little more to.travel on high-volume days. It's basic supply and demand, folks -- on the days that everyone wants to travel, the airline takes advantage of the scarcity of seats to up their revenue a little bit. What's wrong with that? You want a cheaper ticket? Take another half day off from work and travel at 10am on the following Monday. You'll pay less and probably have the added bonus of a flight that isn't packed to the rafters with screaming kids and armrest-hogging fatsos. Hell, you may even get a row to yourself.
And no whining about how dismal the flying experience is. Of course it sucks. It sucks because everyone has gotten so used to paying 300 bucks for a round-trip JFK-LAX ticket that the airlines are backed into the corner of eliminating your bag of Chex Mix and charging you to check a bag just to stay financially afloat for another month. You wanted to pay the equivalent of bus fare to jet cross-country in a few hours? Then a bus ride is what you'll get.
Last week I went online to see what flights I wanted to take for my upcoming trip to LA, and yes, there were round-trip fares as low as $300. Then I clicked over to business class fares and the price jumped to $2500-$3000. First class was something like 5 grand. I've taken those flights before, and they are always full. So those thirty or so passengers in first and business class represent about 2-3x the gross revenue of the 150 passengers in coach.
I've been fortunate enough to fly business class to California for work, and I'm well aware that I won't arrive any faster than someone in coach, I have to use the same crappy, cramped bathroom, and I'm breathing the same stale recycled air as everyone else. You want to know what that extra two+ grand bought my company? The "privilege" of boarding the aircraft early (so I can sit in the tin tube even longer!), no checked baggage fees, or even better, plentiful overhead space so I needn't worry about checked bags, all the liquor I might want, gratis, a nice hot 3-course meal with real silverware, one of those personal video thingamajigs, and best of all, a seat that reclines nearly all the way, so after I've drunk myself into a stupor over breakfast I can pass out for the rest of the flight. Oh, and the warm nuts. Don't forget about the warm nuts. You can add that up as many times as you want, it still doesn't add up to 2 grand's worth of extras. Where does the rest of it go? As far as I can remember, no one's ever come around offering hand jobs up there in business or first, so it must be subsidizing all those $150-per-leg seats back in coach. Not to mention paying the flight crew's paltry salaries, maintenance and fuel costs, ground staff at both ends, baggage handlers, airport tariffs, and those aggravating TSA agents who want to confiscate my Jergen's and nail clippers.
I watched a show on cable (can't remember which channel, maybe CNBC?) "Inside American Airlines" and they ran down the numbers on one of those JFK-LAX round trips, and at the end of the day, the total profit for the airline for that particular aircraft was something like 200 bucks.
So you know what? Stop acting like flying cross-country is a basic human right that is being insulted by an airline charging you $3 for a can of Pringles or $10 because you want to fly on the busiest travel weekend of the year.. If you want a better flying experience, put your money where your mouth is and buy it. Are you willing to pay a couple hundred dollars more for your ticket?
I didn't think so.
Big "Whoops!" on SNL Season Opener
I stayed up to Watch the season opener of SNL last night. It was only so-so, with the exception of Weekend Update, which was completely hilarious -- is it me or was Seth Myers totally killing it?
U2 is officially too big for anything but stadium shows. They looked straitjacketed on the tiny SNL stage, and both of their performances were oddly bloodless.
Now, Megan Fox. Who seems to have had the fastest hot-to-not trajectory of any celebrity in living memory (maybe the Octomom has her beat). Can any of you guys explain the Megan Fox thing to me? Because I just have never gotten it. Generally, I can look at the latest object of male lust (Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johanssen) and say, "yeah, I get that," but Megan Fox has me completely baffled. From an empirical standpoint, she's pretty enough, but there's always been a vaguely "ick" feeling about her, as if inside her shoes she has dirty feet. Doesn't a date with Megan Fox require a course of penicillin for a week afterward? There's just something "schkeevatz" about her. Plus, lately, stories have started to ooze out that she's a big asshole. So -- if any of you men out there can explain her appeal to me, I'd really appreciate it.
Best (unintentional) moment of the show: the biker chick skit, when one of the new female cast members, in a "frickin'" and "freakin'" laden skit, slipped and blurted "I fuckin' love you!"
I've spent a little bit of horrified time with biker chicks, and trust me, the skit didn't go far enough. These are tough and scary women, so coarse and rough in their speech that it will turn your hair white. "Fuck" is not the worst of their words, let me tell you. The c-word flies with just as much casual frequency. They scare me a little bit, because these are females who think nothing of getting into fights at the slightest provocation. The amount of anger, resentment at the world, and violence that simmers under the surface in the biker lifestyle is astonishing. It ain't pretty, let me tell you, and I'm puzzled by the dark glamour it holds for my best friend. And I won't say anything about the rampant drug and alcohol use and casual criminality...its so far outside the boundaries of reasonable society that I feel like a big narc when I'm at a biker party. I know, Jane has standards for acceptable behavior, albeit pretty low ones, but they do exist.
Anyway, I'm sure the skit is all over Youtube by now. Catch her expression as soon as the f-bomb flies -- "Oh, SHIT! I am so fired." Then watch her try to regain her composure for the rest of the skit. You actually have to feel a little sorry for the poor girl!
U2 is officially too big for anything but stadium shows. They looked straitjacketed on the tiny SNL stage, and both of their performances were oddly bloodless.
Now, Megan Fox. Who seems to have had the fastest hot-to-not trajectory of any celebrity in living memory (maybe the Octomom has her beat). Can any of you guys explain the Megan Fox thing to me? Because I just have never gotten it. Generally, I can look at the latest object of male lust (Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johanssen) and say, "yeah, I get that," but Megan Fox has me completely baffled. From an empirical standpoint, she's pretty enough, but there's always been a vaguely "ick" feeling about her, as if inside her shoes she has dirty feet. Doesn't a date with Megan Fox require a course of penicillin for a week afterward? There's just something "schkeevatz" about her. Plus, lately, stories have started to ooze out that she's a big asshole. So -- if any of you men out there can explain her appeal to me, I'd really appreciate it.
Best (unintentional) moment of the show: the biker chick skit, when one of the new female cast members, in a "frickin'" and "freakin'" laden skit, slipped and blurted "I fuckin' love you!"
I've spent a little bit of horrified time with biker chicks, and trust me, the skit didn't go far enough. These are tough and scary women, so coarse and rough in their speech that it will turn your hair white. "Fuck" is not the worst of their words, let me tell you. The c-word flies with just as much casual frequency. They scare me a little bit, because these are females who think nothing of getting into fights at the slightest provocation. The amount of anger, resentment at the world, and violence that simmers under the surface in the biker lifestyle is astonishing. It ain't pretty, let me tell you, and I'm puzzled by the dark glamour it holds for my best friend. And I won't say anything about the rampant drug and alcohol use and casual criminality...its so far outside the boundaries of reasonable society that I feel like a big narc when I'm at a biker party. I know, Jane has standards for acceptable behavior, albeit pretty low ones, but they do exist.
Anyway, I'm sure the skit is all over Youtube by now. Catch her expression as soon as the f-bomb flies -- "Oh, SHIT! I am so fired." Then watch her try to regain her composure for the rest of the skit. You actually have to feel a little sorry for the poor girl!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sometimes What You See on "Law & Order" is Real
Like the rivalry between the NYPD and the FBI.
You know that big terrorism bust that the local news has been touting with all those glowing stories?
Well, it turns out it was just another colossal fuckup by the NYPD.
Read about it here.
You know that big terrorism bust that the local news has been touting with all those glowing stories?
Well, it turns out it was just another colossal fuckup by the NYPD.
Read about it here.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Slice of Life, Friday Night, Brooklyn
As I write this, I'm sort of semi-reclined and curled up in my chair watching the news. My little cat jumped up to join me and is now curled up on my lap, purring madly and occasionally kneading my arm and looking up at me with that blinky lovesexy gaze that a contented cat will give you. She just lifted her head and gave my nose a little lick.
The weather is turning crisp, with that fresh apple bite of coming fall. Soon it'll be time to start layering blankets.
Judge Street is quiet tonight, unusual for a Friday. No idling cars with booming bass. No groups of idling teens on the stoop of number twelve, gossiping and giggling in high Boriqua voices.
It's my favorite time of year in New York.
I have to go to Los Angeles next week. I'm leaving on Wednesday and not returning until the following Friday. Nine days, during which there will be a king-sized bed in a luxe hotel room with a fireplace, two gigantic flat screen tv's (because it wouldn't be America without a television no further than ten feet away at all times), Aveda bath products and an ocean view. Nine days, during which I will eat the freshest sushi imaginable, spend some free time walking to Manhattan Beach, and try to spot celebrities on Robertson Boulevard.
On the other hand, no little cat will crawl into my lap, there will be no big chair for me to curl up in, and for nine days the full inventory of my stuff will be defined by the perimeter of my wheely Samsonite.
I don't know why I'm not very excited for this trip. Usually I really enjoy getting out of the office to go on press, but this time...
I dunno.
The weather is turning crisp, with that fresh apple bite of coming fall. Soon it'll be time to start layering blankets.
Judge Street is quiet tonight, unusual for a Friday. No idling cars with booming bass. No groups of idling teens on the stoop of number twelve, gossiping and giggling in high Boriqua voices.
It's my favorite time of year in New York.
I have to go to Los Angeles next week. I'm leaving on Wednesday and not returning until the following Friday. Nine days, during which there will be a king-sized bed in a luxe hotel room with a fireplace, two gigantic flat screen tv's (because it wouldn't be America without a television no further than ten feet away at all times), Aveda bath products and an ocean view. Nine days, during which I will eat the freshest sushi imaginable, spend some free time walking to Manhattan Beach, and try to spot celebrities on Robertson Boulevard.
On the other hand, no little cat will crawl into my lap, there will be no big chair for me to curl up in, and for nine days the full inventory of my stuff will be defined by the perimeter of my wheely Samsonite.
I don't know why I'm not very excited for this trip. Usually I really enjoy getting out of the office to go on press, but this time...
I dunno.